the 1 | chaennie

19. Stay Stay Stay

Before you I'd only dated self-indulgent takers,
Who took all of their problems out on me
But you carry my groceries, and now I'm always laughin'
And I love you because you have given me no choice but to...

Stay, stay, stay
I've been lovin' you for quite some time, time, time
You think that it's funny when I'm mad, mad, mad
But I think that it's best if we both stay, stay, stay, stay

You took the time to memorize me:
My fears, my hopes, and dreams
I just like hangin' out with you all the time
All those times that you didn't leave;
It's been occurring to me I
'd like to hang out with you for my whole life

-

"Does Jennie know?" Rosie laughed, her eyes creasing at the corners, fine lines radiating outwards as her face was etched with amusement. She couldn't help but laugh; the thought of being so honest at the expense of Jennie's trust in her was unthinkable. "Of course she does!"

"She does?" Nayeon incredulously asked.

Nodding, Rosie smiled faintly. "What, you think I'd reveal all of this without her permission!? It's what she's always wanted. To be honest; for me to be honest. Of course, she came out ... what is it, six years ago now? But me ... well, I took my time."

There was a pause for a moment before Nayeon furrowed her eyebrows and gave her a perplexed look. "Why wait so long? I mean ... you two were together on three separate occasions, and I'm assuming at least once after Jennie came out, so ... why ..."

"We were, yes. It was hard for me, that time around. The last time. Jennie was out, she was free, and I was scared. I think there's a big difference in the way that people view actors and singers. For Jennie, she played a role, and people cared about that character she played on-screen, and they could look past who she was outside of her roles. For me ... my songs and myself were intertwined. I put all of my personal life into my songs, and I was judged for that. Jennie could go out and star opposite as many men as she wanted to, and everyone could ignore the fact that she liked women as well, but for me ... I knew that if I came out as a lesbian," she paused for a moment, swallowing thickly, "if I put her and she into my lyrics ... that could be the end of my career. So I kept it to myself. And now I'm not."

"So you told her you were doing this interview?"

"I did. She thought it was a great idea. We trust each other enough for her to know that I would never twist the truth so that it could be misconstrued as her being the bad person in this. I think she was just relieved that I'd finally reached a point where I could be honest. There was a time where she thought I'd never be ready, and that was too much for her. Too much for us both."

Trailing off, Rosie let her gaze wander back to the window. The sky was slate grey and the rain had lightened to a slight drizzle, and it perfectly matched her mood in that moment, the bleakness weighing heavily in her heart as she recalled all of the doubt and hardships. It had all been so hard. There was a time when Rosie wouldn't have been able to admit to any one of the things she'd already revealed so far, when she would've stayed up all night arguing with Jennie about why it was better for her to stay in the closet, her own voice repeating the words drilled into her by Park Chanyeol. She'd been afraid of him, in a sense. The power that he had over her, the monopoly he had on her career and her freedom. But even if he'd given her the option to be free to take those risks with her career, she wasn't sure she would've been ready anyway. It was a big decision, and it had taken her years to get to this point. Years of heartbreak, of loneliness and people trying endlessly to pull her down from her perch at the top of the industry. It had all been too much.