the 1 | chaennie

26. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I remember when we broke up the first time Saying, "This is it, I've had enough," 'cause like We hadn't seen each other in a month
When you said you needed "space" (what?)

Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me"
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, "I hate you," we break up, you call me, "I love you"

-

"And I know how it sounds to go through all of this heartbreak and still love her. But I did - I do. I've loved her for nearly ten years, and I know it sounds ... pathetic but it's the truth. I've never even thought about another person in all the time we were apart, and that wasn't because of her. It's just- despite what the rumours have said, I've never needed to be dating someone, but I wanted Jennie. And I didn't feel that urge to be with anyone when we were apart. Those moments were for myself. Honestly, we weren't even apart long enough for me to even fully mend my broken heart to consider dating someone else. But ... it was just always Jennie."

"Did it make you angry to see all the lies in the media about your love life, knowing that none of it was true?"

Mouth turning down at the corners, Rosie shrugged half-heartedly, "I was complicit, to an extent, as I said. But yes, when I'd take a picture with some guy at an award show who'd I'd just met and said three words to, it was infuriating to see people saying we had a secret romance going on the next day. At the same time, it was almost a blessing. Everyone was too fixated on the men to even consider a woman. Well, when Jennie was there for them to consider."

"Were you ever actually together for a good length of time?" Nayeon asked after a moment, a brooding look on her face as she pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes slightly at Rosie, trying to uncover some more details. "I mean, so far it sounds very off and on, and I can't imagine that made for a good relationship."

"It didn't, but I've always thought Hollywood relationships moved quicker than ordinary ones anyway. My friends have gotten married inside a year of dating. It's like everyone is making up for a lack of time, squeezing four dates into a week and then shooting off to film or tour, maybe seeing each other on weekends away. Jennie and I were no different. The whirlwind nature of them can make you feel like you have whiplash, and it's like- well, it feels longer than it actually is. I'm sure you understand."

Nayeon nodded in silent agreement, leaving Rosie to carry on her train of thought.

"I think that's why it always hurt so much. Even if it only lasted a few months, we poured so much of ourselves into the little time we did have together, perhaps more than ordinary couples would in that small window, so if felt like there was a bigger attachment. God, I remember being so in love, like just blinded by it like I was a teenager watching all those old classics. And then just as quickly it'd be gone again."

-

A few weeks later, Rosie was back on the road to finish up her tour in Australia and New Zealand, spending hours on the treadmill in preparation for her performances, getting her costumes tailored again when they were found to be a bit loose at their rehearsal to make sure the show would run seamlessly after their break. It was exhausting, and it was almost a Irene that Rosie was so tired that she couldn't even bring herself to dwell on Jennie.

She flew out at the beginning of March, flying straight to Perth in the comfort of First Class. It was hot and she was jet-lagged and exhausted, passing out in her hotel suite in the middle of the day as her team rushed around ensuring that all of the equipment had made it and that her band were all accounted for and settled in their rooms.

The concert passed in a blur, and then it was another flight and another show, another city and another sleepless night. But she felt the thrill of performing again, the jolt of being awake, of feeling like everything was right in the world, even just for a couple of hours. In some ways, it felt like acting, like she miraculously became this other person on stage, feeling the energy inside the venues infuse her with so much fire that she felt like she was drunk off of the feeling.