the 1 | chaennie

56. Dress

Flashback to my mistakes
My rebounds, my earthquakes
Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me And I woke up just in time
Now I wake up by your side
My one and only, my lifeline
I woke up just in time
Now I wake up by your side
My hands shake, I can't explain this

Say my name and everything just stops
I don't want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off, take it off
Carve your name into my bedpost
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off, take it off

There is an indentation
In the shape of you
Only bought this dress so you could take it off You made your mark on me, golden tattoo
Only bought this dress so you could take it off

-

"It's funny how quickly my life turned around. Not completely, but it was a start. A good start. For so long I'd just ... spiralled. I didn't care about myself, I let other people take care of me like I was a doll. They fed me, they dressed me, they put their words in my mouth and told me where to go and when. And then I made a conscious decision to stop. To stop all of it, because I was so close to a very public breakdown. I knew I wouldn't come back from that and I didn't want that to be the thing that broke me. I'd survived a decade of being torn down and ripped apart, of heartbreak and being used; some guy wasn't going to be my downfall."

"You know, I'll be honest," Nayeon said with sheepish amusement, "I did think you had given up. When you disappeared for a year and no one saw you, I really thought that was the end of your career. It would've been a sad way to go, I'll admit that."

Running her tongue along the inside of her lip, Rosie shook her hair, faint amusement tightening her face as she tried to hide the bitterness. "It would've. I considered it too; I'd written songs about it before, about the celebrities before me who'd given up their positions at the top to vanish and enjoy their lives. It was appealing, I'll admit, but times have changed. Where could I go where I could live the life I wanted to in peace? Nowhere."

Brow furrowing slightly with a bewildered look, Nayeon gestured to her, "but you managed to hide well enough for that year, right?"

Inhaling, Rosie's cheeks filled with air before she slowly blew it back out, rubbing at the back of her neck, "I mean, I did. I wouldn't let them call the paparazzi at all when I was still in Chicago, so of course, I was seen less. That's the main form of exposure for celebrities; calling people to a certain location and having them take photos of you. It's all staged. But I'm, well ... easily recognisable. It's part of the job, I know, especially with the level of success I'd achieved by that point-"

"Which has grown even more since then," Nayeon interjected.

Gesturing to her as she nodded quickly, shoulders sloping as she leant forward in her seat, Rosie continued. "Exactly, but even then, with bad press circulating, I was recognisable. Fans come up to me and ask for autographs, people break into my houses, everyone stares when I'm walking down the street or sitting in a restaurant. In what world could I vanish and settle down with a woman and live a normal life, going to the shops and the beach and all of that, without ever being recognised? It wouldn't have been enough for me, to give it up and still live with that kind of exposure. I would never disappear and let them run stories about my love life when I'd intended to give it all up - not just my career but the publicity too - and undoubtedly, it would've gotten out. Eventually, it would've."

There was a solemn defeatedness of Rosie's face as she turned her eyes down to the floor, roaming over the patterns of the rug as she swallowed thickly. There was a heaviness in her chest, the old flicker of chagrin at the invasion of her privacy, the relentless hounding of the press and overzealous fans, the constant scrutiny that had worn her down over the years. It had taken Jaehyun and the aftermath of that fallout for Rosie to take a step back from social media, from interviews where her words could be misprinted or snippets of a video could circulate.