the 1 | chaennie

27. I Almost Do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you 'Cause each time you reach out, there's no reply I bet it never, ever occurred to you
That I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Every time I don't
I almost do, I almost do

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess, babe
In my dreams, you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you And I almost do

-

"I think, really, I just saw what I wanted to see. I wanted Jennie to be fine, because at least that way I'd know it was worth it. There had been a point to her leaving and my sadness. So I looked at those photos and I saw what I wanted to see - and the rest of the world saw it too - but really she was hiding it like I was."

"Obviously you didn't know that at the time. Did it make it better or worse when you realised that?"

Chewing on her lip with a thoughtful look on her face, Rosie paused for a moment, deliberating. Shifting her legs out from underneath her, she changed positions and leant against the arm of the armchair as she brooded. There was a solemn look on her face, her brown eyes grave and troubled.

"Of course it made me feel worse. I've never wished her anything but so much love and happiness. How could I not? When you love someone, you never want them to be hurting, and despite my own inability to move on, I still wanted her to be happy. I thought she was. And I guess that's one of the hardest parts of heartbreak too, knowing that someone else is doing great when you're not fine at all without them. I had this whole picture built up in my head, and it was just ... wrong. It was shocking to realise how wrong I was."

-

Venting her frustration through a new song, Rosie felt marginally better as she wrapped up the end of the Speak Now World Tour. Her last show was in New Zealand and it almost felt bittersweet to say goodbye, knowing that it was the last time she'd be performing regularly for a while. Although, Rosie was excited to record the rest of her new album, it wasn't quite the same as the rush from performing them live. It would be a while before she felt the rush that came from performing for a massive crowd and as she sang her last encore, she almost felt like crying.

The rest of the trip had been uneventful, with Rosie on her best behaviour as she let herself be forced into excursions where photographers were waiting, feeling brief moments of joy as she met fans and stopped for people asking for photos on the street. She'd spent most of her time in her hotel room though, writing songs as she vented her jealousy and found that she was actually angry at herself and not Jennie. It could've been her in Paris with her, instead of Krystal. Yet, Rosie was glad that Jennie had a friend there to be with her.

Likewise, when she went back to Miami, she threw herself into her friendships. Chahee Park was in town, and although they'd met through Jennie, it didn't feel strange for them to get dinner while she was there for a fashion show. Then there were all the hours Rosie was putting in at the studio, where she met Kim Jongin for the first time. She was immediately struck by his mind as they hung out on the leather couches, talking about the music he was producing. They quickly became fast friends.

It made her feel better to be surrounded by people, throwing herself into new friendships in all areas of the industry, to throw dinner parties for them all at her house, drinking wine as she played them some of her new music. She found that she was happy with the new people she surrounded herself with, less lonely, although she still spent her nights pacing around her quiet, dark house instead of sleeping.