the 1 | chaennie

30. Holy Ground

Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress
We had this big wide city all to ourselves
We blocked the noise with the sound of 'I need you'
And for the first time I had something to lose

And I guess we fell apart in the usual way
And the story's got dust on every page
But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now
And I see your face in every crowd

Cause darling, it was good never looking down And right there where we stood was holy ground

Tonight I'm gonna dance for all that we've been through
But I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you
Tonight I'm gonna dance like you were in this room
But I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you

-

"So you never even tried to date anyone in between. Or since?"

With a grim look of ire, Rosie shook her head, "no. And I know perhaps that might seem strange to most people, that I'm so sure when I've never really given anyone else a chance, but ... well, the first person I dated messed with my head so much that I lost that spark of romance. And Jennie's the only person who's ever been able to bring that back."

Rosie let out a hesitant laugh as she bit her bottom lip for a moment, before giving Nayeon a sheepish look.

"I've had crushes; I know what they feel like. I've had my friends try and set me up with beautiful women, and it just- it's nothing in comparison. They're some of the loveliest people I've ever met, but none of them have ever held a candle to Jennie's flame. She makes me feel ... everything. I spent so much of my life struggling to accept myself, hiding it, and then being manipulated, and then I found her and it was like a light came on. It was just ... it was that small realisation like oh it's you!"

Her cheeks reddened slightly with embarrassment as she struggled to explain, recalling all of the ways that Jennie had ever made her feel warm and understood, the way she'd laughed at all of Rosie's jokes and knew every inch of her. It was a feeling that no one else had ever given her, no matter how well they knew her. It was more than who she was; it was just Jennie.

"And it's not like I spent all this time waiting for her to come back. I had my own life, my own career to focus on, and life went on when she left. But I wasn't interested in looking for anyone else, and not always because I was holding onto the hope that she'd come back - even though she always did - it was just the fact that I wasn't interested in anyone. There were women I could've taken home, could've enjoyed the company of, but I wouldn't have been able to love them. It was like that light would just switch off and I'd feel so alone. I'd be in a crowded room with all of my friends and my family, people who knew me so well, but there was the knowledge that they'd never know me like she did."

"It can be an isolating industry sometimes."

"It really is," Rosie faintly sighed, "the restrictions, the rules, the dieting and exercising, the PR stunts and calling the paparazzi. It can all feel like you're a puppet being controlled, while no one actually takes an interest in who you are. They'll congratulate you with fake smiles on their faces, you get asked how you are but no one really cares about the answer because it shouldn't be anything less than positive because you're just so lucky. A lot of my life has felt like an ongoing act. Constantly being in the spotlight since sixteen can be very damaging, and I think the fear of disappointing everyone was one of the main factors that kept me in line. I wasn't at liberty to be like a Disney star who went off the rails, or one of those boyband stars who were arrested for drugs and photographed in an absolute state coming out of bars. Being a woman already puts so much pressure on you to behave perfectly, to never mess up, but then there was the different demographics that Park Chanyeol wanted for my fanbase."