WE WEREN'T SAYING

Kabanata 4

Flores

Eulalia Carolina Narvaez. The backbone of Flores' sinful mistake. My mother who lived a short life was blamed for many things that she did not commit alone.

Always loved and never forgotten.

Napailing ako habang nililinisan ang puntod ni Mama sa gitna ng malaki at malawak na libingan na ilang sakay ang kinakailangan bago makarating mula sa paaralan.

My mother left this world abruptly when I just entered seventh grade. It was so sudden that it took me several years to accept the fact that the only person who supported me patiently and the only one who gave me her love will never be able to do those again.

Nang matapos ko ang paglilinis, I immediately placed the flower I brought for her birthday.

I don't want her to be alone on this day though if I will be honest, I wasn't really planning going to her at this time. I would actually sneak out at night and would have travelled here in the middle of the darkness but here I am, staring at her grave that has been long forgotten by her... by my father.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko madalas binibisita si Mama... dahil lagi kong naalala na mag-isa at wala akong kakamping pamilya.

I have Shanti but there are things that she cannot do that my mother could possibly heal. I am grateful for Shanti's existence, beyond thankful but at times, I wished that my mother still exist beside me.

"Ma... I hope you are finally happy up there. I hope you have a peaceful heart forever," I placed my hand on her marbled grave. "You were the strongest and most beautiful woman that I've seen... happy birthday, Mama."

I stared at her engraved name as I traced the letters one by one. Napangiti ako nang unti-unting manumbalik ang mga alaala ko na kasama siya.

The way she taught me how to cook... the time she brought me to a playground... the moment she taught me how to clean and fix up my mess properly... and the instances where we will fall asleep in one bed just to greet the sunrise in the morning. The way she kisses me every moment she has, the way she read me books during bedtime, and the way she looked at me adoringly.

Those were little things I cannot forget even if time passes by so fast.

"Ma, you know about the guy I am talking about before? He still loves the same girl even after almost six years," Niyakap ko ang mga binti ko at tinignan ang punto ni Mama. "Ang akala ko noong una, he will give up eventually kasi alam na ata ng lahat kung ano ang meron sa girlfriend niya. Those were rumors so I am not the one to judge... but there are really love that is so strong that they can turn a blind eye on the things that the society perceives as invalid, 'no?"

Napabuntong-hininga ako at tinitigan muli ang puntod ni Mama na hanggang ngayon ay katulad pa rin noong nauna ko itong nakita. Just like her, it was tranquil... it's as if she lay here without looking back anymore.

"Is that what you felt about my Father, Ma?" I struggled to breathe as I asked her silently. The wind blew my hair as I stared at her precious name. "Did you love him so much that even after ruining everything, you still adored him? Did you love him that much that you stayed even when he is married to someone else? Ma... was it worth it? Was that love so worth it to risk your name and honor? Ma... did you not regret on staying in the Flores' house even when we were told that we caused them so much pain and scandals? Was your love with my father too much that even if you get singed... even if others told you how wrong it was, you still stayed until the end?"

Suminghap ako nang maalala ang Mama ko na paulit-ulit na iniignora ng mga kasambahay sa loob ng pamamahay ng mga Flores.

Naalala ko si Mama na palaging umiiwas tuwing naroon si Tita Ava, my father's wife, whenever they are in the same premises. I just don't get it... I just don't really know why Mama agreed to that kind of set-up.