✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

31. Tell Me What You Want

"Ffrances has been helping me to tidy up," Gabby said, seeming a little less nervous now. After all the things Tess had been too embarrassed to talk about over the last couple of months, it was something of a relief to see Gabby starting to squirm for a change.

"That's good. You usually seem to keep the place pretty clean."

"It's not that. I've got boxes of stuff, a ton of them. All my college stuff, stacks of old letters that I never got around to sorting out. And crates from my dad's house. In the box room there's a truckload of things I haven't seen in years, and I don't know if it's just junk, or memories. Nostalgia, painful memories, could be anything. So... we've been going through it occasionally. It's slow. That's where I found those dresses I said you could borrow. My old stuff."

Tess nodded. They'd been to the theatre, when Gabby's work had given them tickets, and had needed to dress up in case anyone important saw them. The outfits had been a little childish for Tess's taste, but she didn't have anything else that would have been acceptable at such a fancy event, so she'd been grateful. And she could see the nervous embarrassment that was so familiar in the way that Gabby was taking forever to get to the point.

"Well, she put them away again yesterday. Figured you probably won't need them again. But when she was doing that, she opened another box, and I know what was in that one. There was a photo on top of it, a good memory. And now I'm trying to second guess what she's thinking, I guess."

"Trust your girlfriend," Tess smirked. She knew what Ffrances had in mind, and she really hoped that it would help Gabby to be a little less stressed. A little less confrontational, even. But she couldn't say that without spoiling the surprise.

"I do. I know she got that photo, and I've got a pretty good guess what she's thinking of. And I know she saw what else was in the box as well. But she's always had this kind of... She likes to be the one making decisions, right? And she likes surprising me. But she'll always ask me if it's okay, and I... Well, if it's any of the things I imagined, I can't say yes. It would be too embarrassing."

"Then just tell her that? Like, I can't imagine her forcing you into something you don't want. And if she's not happy with you saying no, then... I don't know, that's something I always thought was like a red flag."

Gabby stared down at her hands, nodding gently. Almost like she was counting time, until she was ready to say something else.

"That's not the problem. It's like... Well, those things she might suggest..."

"It might be easier if you say what they are."

"Yeah. Well, I think she might see my childhood memories as a chance to tease me. Get me dressed up like I was back then, with the old clothes that are still in that box. But she'll be cautious with it, because she knows I have some issues from back then that still give me nightmares sometimes. If there's any hint of me being nervous, she'll call it off."

"So, she wants to be sure?"

"Right. And that... like imagining I'm a teenager again, it's halfway to being a child. It would be so embarrassing. But maybe it would be a good thing too. I had to grow up fast, I had to show the world that I could cope by myself, and sometimes I think I missed some of my childhood. I miss it, and I wish I could be your age again, even if it's a half-hour of make believe for some joke. That's the problem. I want to do it, but admitting that I want it... I couldn't bear her seeing me so needy like that. If she asks me, and I know she will, I'd feel like I have to say no. Just to prove that I'm an adult, that I'm not that vulnerable. Even if I really want to find like... a pressure valve to let off some of my stress. I think Ffrances knows that, she understands what I want. But she won't do it unless I can say so."

Tess thought about that for a long time. She didn't know if she could understand those feelings, even if she could bring herself to imagine how it felt. But she could also relate to it in a small way. There were times she'd seen others her age being giddy and silly over some fad or some joke, but if she did the same she was called a baby. Just because she was smaller than her friends, or looked younger. She would fall for pranks that her friends thought were obvious, so she felt like she had to analyse every decision. Always needing to make an effort if she wanted people to see her as an adult, and she could see that it would be fun if there was a socially acceptable way to stop trying, just for a little while. For being a kid to be an in-joke that wasn't at her expense.

"So what can I do?" she asked. "I can't tell her for you, can I? She wants you to say it."

"Yeah. But maybe... I know it's a lot to ask."

"Hmm?"

"Can you empathise with the things I said? About wanting to relive a moment of childhood? Maybe if you said you were interested, I could go with the flow. Without embarrassing myself, I mean." Tess started pondering that, trying to understand, but Gabby kept on talking, trying to find some way that a confused idea would make sense to an outsider: "I feel like I have to be the grown-up, like even if I could bring myself to ask for this, I'd feel so selfish. But if I was doing it to play along when someone else wants it... I could do that. So... Could I ask you..."

"To play along?"

"I don't remember my teens that well. There were some fun times, I remember that. When I was last babysitting you, I think I was a little younger than you are now. So we could pretend we're that age again. Like, thirteen or something, not yet having to worry about getting into college or any of that stuff. Cousins and best friends, just having fun. It could be enjoyable, couldn't it? And it would be more relaxing if we're both playing around like kids, because then I can stop feeling like I'm supposed to be looking out for you."

Tess wasn't so sure about that. She was used to people thinking she was younger than she was. She'd been bigger than all her friends when she was actually a toddler, but had grown up so slowly afterwards that a stranger's guess at her age had barely changed. But then she thought about Spike, and the way Gabby had treated him. Gabby must feel like she had to be a parent, but with no real experience of how to do that. Maybe that was why she had reacted so extremely; and in that case, anything that helped her to understand that Tess was her equal had to be a good thing.

"Look, if there's anything I can do for you... I know how big a thing this is to ask. You'd be stepping back a year or two, but... if you do this for me, you know I'll owe you a favour. Anything you want. It's hard to ask, but it does mean a lot to me. Just to have a reason..."

"Fine," Tess answered with a shrug. She was starting to get embarrassed just to see her cousin appearing so desperate, and she didn't want it to go on any longer. "I'll think about it, okay?"

Author's Note: Do you think it's a good idea? Should Tess go along with this plan?  It seems safe enough, just to act a year or two younger for a day... right?
I wonder if anyone can guess how the day will end if she does what Gabby asked.