✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

140. A Big First

"Yeah. But if you can't stop worrying about it, I'm going to say I think you should let go. Maybe..."

Tess stopped and thought about that for a few seconds. It was the kind of thing that Gabby had been saying for months; about how she was so stressed that she needed to act like a little kid in order to relax. She'd never believed it before, but she knew that if it were true she would be the last person to accept it. Instead of insisting she was right, she had said that she trusted Spike to make that decision. And it was Spike saying it now.

"You mean like... making me little, so that I can't think about it?" she mumbled. Saying it out loud seemed to crystalise her swirling thoughts on the subject, and suddenly she could believe it was possible. But now she thought about it, now that Spike might be thinking she was in need of an enforced break, she realised that he still didn't actually know that she had a second trigger. He didn't know how to regress her if she was fighting against it.

He just nodded, and they walked on a little. He started walking back his statement; saying that it could only be a last resort, and that he wouldn't push her until he was sure it was necessary. He just wanted her to consider the possibility, and he said the choice was still hers. But Tess had already decided that because he was so reluctant to try it, she could trust him not to abuse it. And she really did want him to know that she would be a baby for him if he wanted to be Daddy. The question was how she could tell him about that trigger, the one that had first sparked her interest in hypnosis, if she was still too ashamed to tell him about the bedwetting problem. She didn't want to lie to him; but maybe it would be okay if she was just putting off the truth until later.

"I... uhh..." she mumbled, and Spike just squeezed her hand to let her know that she could say whatever she wanted. It was amazing how much meaning could be conveyed by such a simple gesture. "If I'm fighting against you when you think I need a break... I know I can be stubborn, but..."

"Calm down," he said. "I'm not making demands. Just saying, I think Gabby might be right, just occasionally. When there's nothing you can actually do, it might be good for you. To be in a place where you don't need to try."

"Right," she said, after a slow breath to think about what she was going to say. "But I should tell you. Because I can be stubborn, and if I really need a break, I think I'm not likely to admit it. So there's a... When I was first curious about hypnosis, Gabby wanted me to get a trigger that would let her baby me. I can't remember if she ever actually used it, but I think she might have done once or twice without my permission, to make those baby sessions feel more real. It's not my ideal suggestion, but it was what Gabby thought would be a good... Like a first suggestion to try. And she was persuading Ffrances to hypnotise me, so I knew it was either go with what she wanted, or never learn about it."

She hesitated then, and Spike stopped and turned to her with a smile. She hoped that explanation sounded fair enough; putting the blame on Gabby for a trigger that she'd never been allowed to actually use. She didn't need to mention the other part of it yet.

"Tess, I really... I like you a lot. And if you want to tell me, I'll be happy. But you shouldn't feel like you have to share, if you're not ready."

"No, I'm sure," she said, her confidence restored. "There's a second hypnotic trigger, or the first one really. It lets you make me into a little kid whether I want to or not. And I'm giving you permission to use it if you think I'm being too stubborn to take a break when I need one. Or if you want to baby me and want to make it a surprise, if you know I've not got any other plans. I've never given somebody that much power over me before, but I want you to have it. Okay? If you tell me... if you order me to have an accident, I will. I won't be able to fight it. And if you add the words 'like a baby', I'll go straight into that headspace as well. So now you know."