muse ➸ greys anatomy

INVASION

Loss.

Loss is a familiar feeling. I have been through the five stages of grief more times than should be humanly possible. More times than I wish I've been through them. It never gets easier, but you go through them quicker eventually. You're so acquainted with the feeling, it's almost like you're desensitized to it.

I lost my high school boyfriend in a motorcycle accident when I was 16. He was dead on the scene. This was my first encounter with loss. Darren was my first love. Sometimes I still wonder if we'd still be together if he was still here. His parents still check in with me from time to time. I get birthday cards and Christmas cards in the mail every year.

My dearest parents. I'm not sure it can get much worse than this. I lost them two weeks before my internship at Seattle Grace started. They were so proud of me for making it this far and they couldn't wait to see me become the best surgeon I could be. Now, they never will. I worked through that pain. I couldn't defer my internship, especially after I worked so hard to make it here. My older sister, Brielle, lived with me for a year after their death. She was worried I was working myself too hard. I was but I'd never admit it. Eventually, she moved out and I moved in with Meredith. Brielle and I do not talk as much anymore.

George O'Malley was my friend. My shoulder to cry on. I was his shoulder to cry on. He showed me platonic love exists. And then, he died on the table. I was apart of the team of his surgeons. I watched the life leave his body. That is a feeling I will never forget. That loss. That pain. 

I almost lost Izzie, but we saved her.

Then, there's absence. The people do not die, but they leave. I've been through that even more. I don't know if the stars just weren't aligned when I was born, but I fall in love so easily, with everyone, and they all leave me. I no longer fall in love. I refuse to let myself. I know what happens when I do. Meaningless sex is the only way for me to go and because of the horny men and women that run rapid throughout this hospital, it's actually pretty easy to find sex. That was until everyone got into relationships. This hospital is tapped out of no strings attached sex.

First, it was Mark Sloan which is ironic because he is now one of my best friends, along with his girlfriend, Lexie.

Then, it was Alex Karev. He was just available and pretty good in bed. Then, him and Izzie got married.

I slept with Owen once. That was a weak moment. It was a company party and we were both drunk and horny. One time thing, never to happen or be spoken about again.

I almost slept with Arizona. It was before she even started at the hospital. Two days before, to be exact. The bar bathroom has seen some things.

I made out with Callie, once. She's a good kisser but her and I are too close to go any farther. It would make it weird.