muse ➸ greys anatomy

NEW HISTORY

I do not kiss people. After everything I have been through, all the failed relationships and people taking advantage of me mentally, emotionally and sexually, it is just not something I do. I set that boundary with myself.

Kissing during sex is one thing. But, I do not kiss people if we are not in bed. It is too intimate.

And here I was, sitting with Meredith ranting about this.

"I do not kiss people."

"Okay?" Meredith questioned.

"It's too intimate. I kiss people during sex and that's it. I cannot just kiss people I don't like or love." I reiterated.

"Where are you going with this?"

"Jackson kissed me." I paused and watched her eyes widen. "And I kissed him back...And liked it." I whispered the last part.

I have not stopped thinking about it since the moment it happened. This is not healthy for me.

"Florence-"

"I cannot believe I just let him kiss me. He charmed me and he kissed me. And I just let it happen."

"Florence." Meredith tried but I kept talking.

"Should I be concerned? Am I going off the rails?" I paused. "Oh my god, I've seen this in my patients. It's a brain tumor. That's why my judgement is so clouded."

"Florence! You do not have a brain tumor!" Meredith exclaimed.

"Should I get an M.R.I. just in case?" I asked her as I paced about the room.

"You do not have a tumor!" She yelled again. "You were drunk, he flirted with you and he kissed you. You kissed him back because that's the natural response."

"But Meredith, I've been here before. Even when I'm drunk, I am in a right enough mindset to know better. I haven't kissed anyone like that in a long time." I replied to her. I'm genuinely concerned for my wellbeing.

"Have you ever wondered what would happen if you ever let yourself like someone again? I mean, it's been years since Hunter-"

"Hunter traumatized and gaslit me for a year, Mer. I mean, you lived with me when that breakup happened."

She was silent for a moment. "You're right."

I took a deep breath. Hunter destroyed love and relationships for me.

I'm getting way too ahead of myself. It was one kiss. One drunken kiss that didn't mean anything.

"Okay, if I just avoid Jackson maybe he'll forget it even happened and we can go back to how everything was before. Those stupid blue eyes charmed me. That won't happen again."

Meredith looked at me like a ticking time bomb that was about to explode. "Good luck."

—

Meredith is back today, thank god. I do not think I could have gone any longer without her here. Especially, now.