Take a sad song and make it better

Chapter Four

Paul left John’s house in high spirits, after all their messing around they had actually managed a little bit of songwriting and some guitar practice, which had eased Paul mind about his Girlfriend Dot and her distance lately.

Ever since his mothers death, Paul had been left with an aching feeling in his heart that only being John's presence could numb, no matter how much Paul loved Dot she just didn't create the same soothing effect that John did. Paul knew his attachment and need for John was not a normal feeling to have in a friendship, he knew he had deeper feelings for John and craved something more from John then simple companionship but he also knew that he himself would never act upon these feelings, because he knew that losing John meant letting the aching in his heart take over once again, and he was never willing to feel like that again.

As Paul walk down the Liverpool streets on his way home he began to think about the things John had said and done during and after their ‘wanking session.’ To begin with John wanting to wank with Paul, just the two of them, was something they had never done. And John's comment about him deciding when things were queer, that pleading look in his eyes - which originally Paul had taken as just John being a horny bastard, but now looking back it was something else, deeper maybe. - Which gave Paul hope that maybe John reciprocated Pauls feelings…

Paul had somewhat deliberately let slip his attraction to Elvis, he wanted to see John's reaction to a man being the object of lust and affection as opposed to a woman, and it was to Pauls pleasure that it had been welcomed wholeheartedly, “Good choice…. Elvis is…..Good” John had said, without a hint of sarcasm or worry. He had even moaned! A lot!

Not that any of this new information indicated that John was attracted to Paul in anyway, but it was nice to know that John also shared Paul interest in the same sex, as well as the opposite.

Whilst Paul was pondering he heard the familiar voice of his Girlfriend Dot, echoing off the brick walls of the alleyway he was walking through. Paul looked ahead of him and sure enough Paul saw Dot walking out of the dress shop at the end of the alley, accompanied by her Mother. Paul quickened his pace and caught up to them, announcing himself so as not to scare Dot - she had been very jumpy lately.

“Hey Dot luv’" He said enthusiastically, turning on his most charming smile as he turned to greet Dot’s Mother.

“Mrs. Rhone, It's lovely to see you.” Dots mother didn’t dislike Paul, he was always very polite and friendly when ever she saw him, but she didn’t like him per se, she had heard terrible rumours about Paul and the group of boys he surrounded himself - and by extension Dot, with. Out drinking every other night, playing Rock and Roll music in shoddy clubs and doing god only knows what ever girls would have them. It wasn't so much a problem to her that Paul and Dot were not doubt having sex, well she supposed that was a problem to her who wants there daughter going around shagging less than desirable boys? The bigger problem was that Paul was no doubt cheating on her daughter - she knew he was very close with that Lennon boy and had heard all the talk about him, sleeping with half the girls in liverpool and beyond while he had a steady girlfriend. She heard very much the same things about Paul from time to time. But Paul did seem to shower Dot with love and affection when ever he was near her, so maybe there was  a little hope for him.

“Good evening Paul” Dot mother replied with a small smile.

“Dot Darling, I will just pop into the grocery store you stay and talk to Paul for a while, but once I'm finished we must get home. Your Father will be wanting his dinner.” She continued before she bid Paul a quick farewell and headed off in the direction of the supermarket.

Paul leaned in and took Dot's face in his hands gently and gave her a loving but quick peck on the lips. Dot smiled, this time it reached her eyes and they sparkled with affection. She patted Pauls hand that rested on her cheek and pulled it away, so she could hold it.

“Hello to you too Paulie.” She said shyly.

“How are you today?” She asked, her thumb rubbing circles on the back of Paul hand.

“I'm grand luv, just come from John's. He kicked me out ‘cause Cyn was comin’ around” He said with a chuckle as he remember how John had literally kicked him out, his foot on pauls bum as he pushed him out the door with the force of his leg.

“Speaking of Cyn, she said the two of you were having lunch tomorrow. I thought we usually spend Saturday’s together before I have to play..?” He asked his head tilted to the side slightly as he looked down at Dot questioningly. Dots fiddling with Pauls hand stopped for a moment as she heard Paul's words, but quickly started to rub her thumb over his knuckles so as not to seem uncomfortable and arouse suspicion in Paul.

“I know we do luv, but I just really need a girl to talk too is all, and you can't really help in that department seeing as though you - if my memory serves me right - are not a girl.” Dot said, and forced out a strained laugh.

“Are you sure everything is alright? You’ve been acting strange ‘round me lately…” Paul replied, his face pinched in concern. Even though Paul could be a vain and  very controlling boyfriend at times, he was also very protective of her well being. Dot could see the worry in Paul's eyes and began to feel guilty about not being truthful with Paul… But it was a necessary lie.

“I'm fine Paulie, just feeling a bit under the weather is all, womanly problems - I won't make you suffer through listening to them, hence why I need a girl to vent to.”  She said softly, her eyes cast down.

“Oh um, okay then luv…. Will you be coming to the gig tomorrow night?” Paul asked, he had become slightly uncomfortable at the mention of ‘womanly problems’ no man really knows what it entails but nothing good ever comes from it.

“Oh I don't think so…. But call me on Sunday morning and we can spend some time together alright?” Paul nodded his head, disappointed that she would miss yet another gig.

“Alright darlin’ sounds good, I love ya. You know that right?” Paul said, grabbing both dots hands in his and holding them against his chest. Dot blushed at his words, it wasn't the kind of thing a normal liverpool lad said, but then again paul wasn't a normal liverpool lad.

“I know luv, and I love you” Dot said, and stood on the tips of her toes in order to to kiss Paul lovingly. Paul had his eyes closed and deepened the kiss, releasing Dot's hands in order to hold her around the waist and pull her against him.

Paul heard a shop door open and opened his eyes to see Dot's Mother emerging from the store. Paul quickly pulled back and smiled down at Dot.

“Ya Ma’s back little lady, I'll see you on Sunday hopefully.” He said and pressed a quick kiss to her nose.

“Bye Paulie, I'll see you soon.” She promised as she turned to leave with her Mother.

*****************************

Paul continued on home, walking slowly, thinking deeply. He was so confused as of late. he had his abnormal - well abnormal to others Paul supposed, they felt natural to Paul - feelings for John, which itself was a constant weight on his mind but now he also had Dot. Paul could see she wasn't being honest with him, the way she wouldn't make eye contact was always a clear tell that she was holding back. Paul hated being lied to ever since his Mother had died, no one had told him she was even sick, hell no one told him she had died! Usually Paul would react in anger and lash out, but Paul didn't feel angry towards Dot, strangely he felt fear clawing its way into his heart and mind.