Take a sad song and make it better

Chapter twenty three

It had been two days.

Two days since Dot had died.

Two days since Paul's Son had died peacefully in his arms.

Two days in which Paul had locked himself in his bedroom, hiding under the thick covers because nothing bad can happen if you're under the covers. The monster can't get you. But there's no where to hide from your thoughts.

The thoughts that Dot, his sweet innocent Girlfriend had died alone and and in pain.

The thoughts that he hadn't even realised that his baby Boy had died until the Nurse had plucked him carefully from Paul's arms.

It had been two really shit days.

Paul has sat with his back against the door every time his Father knocked to announce another visitor had come to visit and give their condolences, He refused to see every one of them. Paul listened to his poor Father try and talk to Dots distraught family over the phone, trying to sort out funeral arrangements with very little luck.

He'd also listen to his Father leave everyday to visit Mary in the Hospital, everyday without Paul.  Paul wondered if John had been one of the visitors he had rudely hid from, he knew George was but Paul couldn't imagine John taking no for an answer, so Paul assumed he had stayed away.

Paul was filled with so much doubt and uncertainty, was he capable of raising a child on his own? Was he capable of letting someone else raise her? Hell, was he capable of attending the funeral of his Fiancée and child? So many questions that Paul couldn't even begin to answer.

"Paul..." Jim McCartney called through the door hesitantly."I'm going to work, Do me a favour and go and see your Daughter... It's not good for you to be cooped up like this." He continued, waiting a beat for Paul to reply. He let out a frustrated sigh before giving up and Paul could hear his Father's footsteps fading away, and the front door closing firmly. Paul felt guilt creeping into the back of his mind, he knew he was probably ageing his Father considerably with all the stress he was putting the older man through. Paul realised he really shouldn't take his Father's help for granted, there probably weren't many Dads who would be so accepting and loving to a Son in Paul's situation.

Now that Paul was completely alone in the house, he decided it was safe for him to venture out of his room. He set about showering - something he had forgone for the past two days - before heading downstairs to make himself some much desired breakfast. Paul had barely eaten during his self induced banishment, only sneaking into the Kitchen in the dead of night to ensure he wouldn't be accosted by any family members lingering about the house. The house was eerily silent as Paul sat at the Kitchen munching hungrily on his bowl of cereal and slightly burnt toast.

The past two days the house had been echoing with the voice of various family members, At the time Paul had been annoyed by them - the McCartney clan was many things, but quiet was not one of them - but now that he was all alone, wallowing in silence, he realised how comforting all the hustle and bustle had been. Paul placed all his dishes in the Kitchen sink and stood dumbly for a moment. What was he to do now? Now that Paul had decided that maybe he did want company, no one was there! He wanted desperately to see John, but he was filled with a weird feeling of guilt when he thought about John. Paul had it in his mind that now that Dot had passed away, that she could see everything he did, that she knew everything he had done. Hell Paul didn't even know if he really believed in the afterlife, but he could just feel that she knew how much he had betrayed her and it was something that was bothering him enough to keep his distance from John.

In the end Paul decided the only place to go was to the Hospital, to visit his now only child. Paul felt ashamed with himself for not seeing her, it wasn't her fault that he was such a mess. So Paul scribbled a note for his Brother and Father, in case he wasn't home before them, and made his way to the bus stop.