Sex Education

Lesson Twenty Two (practical guide on communication)

He can't believe he's in love with Karma.

How could be so stupid? So blind? So overly confident that he wouldn't get attached?

That is, even, if he didn't straight up already feel this way before he even touched him. It feels far less like he fell in love with him, and more like he was just forced to comprehend something that was already deeply buried within him. How long has it even been? A year? Since university? Sometime during 3E? Maybe even before that...

It's not just a crush. It never was. Catching feelings wouldn't have been weird. Even if things had gone south, maybe Karma would have spared him. He's basically his first everything, so it wouldn't be completely left field. Sure, it would have been awkward when he found out, and maybe he'd find distance between them, but there would have been some hope of getting over it eventually.

There's no coming back from this, though.

Nagisa's not sure how long he slept for, only that he woke up only a little before the sunrise. He hasn't been able to bring himself to move since then, partially because Karma's half on top of him. The idea of leaving him makes him ache, though. And this has been his only thought the entire morning, this panic growing and growing in his mind.

It's all his own fault, too. He knew he shouldn't have kept sleeping with him, when he was even remotely aware that he had any kind of feelings at all. But no, he just went and made it worse for himself. It feels like taking advantage, letting himself pretend and live a reality that wasn't even there. The worst part about it is this isn't just about him.

He can never know anything for certain, with Karma, but whether he likes him romantically to some kind of extent or not, he knows that somehow he means a lot to him. Anything he does now is going to end up hurting him too. And again, that's all Nagisa's fault, and it's tearing him to shreds because he loves him.

They have nowhere to go from here, now. And Nagisa even thinks... maybe it's better to just keep his mouth shut. They can't keep doing this, but maybe what Karma doesn't know will only end up hurting him more...

He's still so tired.

When Karma finally yawns, twisting slightly in a sign of being awake, Nagisa feels like crying. It's easy enough to freak out beside asleep Karma, who can't respond much. Awake Karma is a completely different story. And Nagisa's scared, because there's every chance that anything he says will destroy his will power.

"Hi," is all he says, but it still makes Nagisa's chest feel like it's exploding.

He takes a moment to clear his throat. "Hi."

Karma pulls him closer. "What time is it?"

His eyes skirt around the room, looking for something with the time. His phone was left in his coat. To his side, though, on the closest table, he catches a glimpse of Karma's. He taps the power button, not really needing to unlock it.

"Almost eight," he says.

Karma groans, pulling the covers over his head. "Too early."

Despite everything, it makes Nagisa smile. "You still hate mornings."

"I have to get up so early nowadays," he complains, "the weekend is the only chance."

"You can go back to sleep," he says.

He shakes his head. "I'm awake now," he twists a little, "and... it feels kind of gross."

There's a part of Nagisa that wants to say 'I told you so', but he holds it in. There's another part of him that feels... unsettlingly hot at the thought of him being marked somehow, but he bites it down. Even when he sees the possessive hickeys on his neck. There's no way he's hiding that under a shirt, either...