Amazing Grace

Chapter 17 [Religious trauma]

Aaliyah

I am pushed to one of the aisles near the front and its just my luck too. The one time i didn't want to be recognized is the time i get shoved to the crowd. The pastor stopped preaching just as i walked through the aisles only to add to my anxiety. They are judging me. I know they are. What is she doing here? She finally decided to come back huh? What is she wearing? Ive heard it all before and i know thats what they are thinking right now. My anxiety causes my legs to turn to jelly and i trip over my own feet.

"Oh lord.." i hear someone mummer from the back

"are you okay baby?" The older woman in the aisle beside me said as she helped me up.

"Yes Ma'am." I said and rushed to my seat. I was seated beside a man with a welcoming smile on his face. He stood up from his chair to let me go to the seat beside him. When i took my seat the pastor started preaching again...

"well you know the bible does tell us we all have Fallen short of the standard of God. Some of us more literally than others. God bless you sister and welcome." The church lets out a few laughs and i let out a little chuckle too. So much for first impressions. The pastor went back to preaching.

The man next looked at me and whispers"dont worry i know a guy who accidentally burped so loud after communion on his first day.." i smiled

"really?"

"Yeah! And he is very loved in this church.. you'll be fine." I take a breath of relief out and thank him.

"So it wasn't embarrassing?" I asked him with a hopeful look on my face.

"Oh no it was definitely embarrassing, im just saying you will get over it." My mouth opened wide and i let out a low laugh.

"Im Joel." He put out his hand, he had beautiful hazel brown eyes and a strong jaw, he looked in his mid 20's and i couldn't help but notice he has gorgeous caramel skin with patches of white near his Ear, Around his eye and some small patches around his nose and lips. He has vitiligo i think, its gorgeous.

"Aaliyah Johnson.." I reply back to him with a smile. He gives me a smile and turns back to the sermon.

"Before i close the service, i wanted to talk to yall about something that has touched my heart over the past few days. How many of you have heard of a place called Hell."

Oh my.... Immediately my heart starts to beat faster, all my attention is put on the pastor right now. The crowd started to shake their heads and raise their hands.

"Oh did that wake a few of you up?" He says while turning his bible.

"Hell, a place of unquenchable fire, gnashing of teeth and weeping.." My heart starts beating even faster! I think people can hear me starting to breath heavier. This is exactly why I didn't want to come here today.

Destiny tried to stop me. She hid my keys and tried to beg me to just talk to a therapist instead, right about now im thinking i shouldve listened to her. Then i hear a familiar voice from beside me talking to joel. I quickly snap out of my daze and look to my side to see none other than my boss Mr davis! WHY!! I throw my head back to the front and slightly throw my head back when i hear him ask to swap seats with Joel. Come on Joel, dont do it! I thought we were friends dude. I see him stand up and tells me

"speaking of the guy who burped on his first day..." as he puts one hand over beside his lip and whispers to me as he go to the back and now mr Davis is sitting beside me. Ready to experience the panic attack im about to have.

He doesnt speak to me and i am so grateful for that. "Hell is not a place that we want to be in! It will be never ending pain and regret. A place for torment and torture brothers and sisters." The pastor leans forward and raises his voice a little which causes my breath to pick up again. I put a hand on my chest. i dont understand why this happens every time i hear the word hell i freak out. The idea of an eternity in never ending punishment is too much for me to even fathom.

I take a small peak over at Mr davis and see how focused he is on the sermon. How is he not freaking out right now. if anything he looks comforted. What kind of crazy man is this? I try to calm myself down by doing some breathing techniques as the pastor continues to describes the seriousness of hell.

I am about to get up until i feel a large hand on my knee. I flinch a little then look to the side and see Maleeks comforting face. He gives me a look of genuine concern and that turns into a look of assurance.

"Just wait..."

He tells me as he pats my knee two times. I take some calming breaths out and then then turn back to him and nod. He gives me a pursed smile and removes his hand from my knee before turning his head back to the pastor

"..but im here to tell you some amazing news! The greatest news one can receive. is that God has decided to grant us with his amazing mercy. He gave his son for the forgiveness of our sins brothers and sisters! and the result of that is eternal life. We are forgiven, when we ask for forgiveness." Pastor troy continues.

"Did you ask for forgiveness? or did you just assume it will come? The bible tells us we must repent which not only includes asking for forgiveness but also changing our ways completely. "

the crowd gives some low mmm's in agreement.

" Luke 13:3 I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish. Repentance is the key..." My heart rate starts to go back to a normal rate and i can feel myself settling down. How do i repent? Ive never really even thought of the whole forgiveness thing... I look to maleek and find his brown eyes looking at me already. He says nothing but his eyes ask me if im okay. I gave him an convincing smile and i could see the relief in his eyes.

I dont know why he did that but i really appreciated it. The pastor went on to talk about how we must come to God and fully turn from all sin to be a child of God, He gave us some key steps such as studying our bibles, Prayer and serving your neighbors, he told us that when we are baptized and fully saved we have nothing to fear when it comes to hell and judgment day because we are in christ already...

it really caused me to want to get baptized but thats a long process, i dont know if im ready for all of that now, i want to start small because this is already extremely overwhelming.

The service ends after the choir goes up to sing a few beautiful songs and i oddly feel a sense of peace but im ready to get the heck up out of here. I dont want to talk to anyone i just want to leave before this starts to be too much. I try rush out and hear my name being called. I turn around and see joel with his phone out and a big smile on his face.

"Hey...joel whats up?" i ask him, secretly annoyed that he stopped my mission to escape.

"I just wanted to ask if i can get your number or something? I can see your new here and it always helps to have a friend in the lord when your starting off." I look to the exit door a few feet away from me and then to Mr. Davis coming out of the door on my right and the pastor coming out from the door on my left. I can tell they both want to talk to me and i dont need that right now!

I quickly grab Joel's phone and write my number it.

"Okay great so i will see you nex-" I quickly rush out the door, feeling bad about being so rude but i just cant deal with all of this right now. I heard Mr Davis' voice from behind me and kept going all the way to my car.

The thoughts of me having to go to work tomorrow and deal with him talking about this floods my head, i hope he can be professional about it. I jump into my car and try to start it. i twist the key and it isnt starting up! why does this always happen to me! I need a new car. I try twisting the key again until i hear a knock on my window, i look up and take a deep sigh when i see who is staring back at me

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God Bless :)