𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗩𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲 (𝙵𝚞𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝙱𝚡𝙱)

Track 24 | 𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗜𝘀 𝗠𝘆 𝗠𝗶𝗻𝗱?

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I thought about it all weekend. Ever since the moment I left the record store, it never left my mind. I could barely go to sleep that night. 

I spent the following Sunday tossing and turning in my bed, unable to get out from under the covers. I told Mom and Rosie that I was just feeling tired, when in reality, my head felt so cluttered and blank. I didn't know what to feel, how to feel, and why I was feeling at all.

I dreaded seeing him again. I dreaded how we would act around each other. Around the others. Around Eden. I had a date with her Monday. How could I possibly go on this date and pretend as if nothing happened? How could I possibly face Ari and do this talent show performance and pretend like nothing happened?

I know I said it wasn't his fault... but why? 

Why did he have to kiss me? Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't things have stayed the same between us?

Why couldn't things just stay normal?

Why did he kiss me?

And why...

Why did I like it?

I don't understand... I've spent my entire life believing I was straight. I've spent my entire life telling myself that I was straight. I liked girls, I do like girls, I always have. I've always been attracted to females, romantically and sexually, I've always been straight. I've never had feelings for another guy. I'm not gay. I know I'm not.

But, it was different with Ari.

It felt different.

Why the fuck did it feel different? What the fuck is happening to me?

Is this a phase? Is this just a manic episode?

Did that moment with Ari fuck with my brain?

Or did it open something up inside of me that I never knew existed?

What the fuck is wrong with me..?

I always thought I knew everything about myself... I always thought I was normal. A perfectly fine, healthy person with no struggles, or trauma, or big, personal, internal crises...

Why is this happening to me?

I could feel a single tear stream down the side of my face as I stared up at the bare ceiling of my bedroom. I wiped it away before anyone could see, even if I was alone in the room. I couldn't let anybody know what I was going through. If I didn't understand it, I doubted anyone else could.

My paw inched its way across the mattress, weaving through the blankets, and landing on my phone. I picked it up and stared at the lock screen, reading the '11:56 PM' timestamp, a few notifications from social media, but no text messages from Ari. 

I would say that I'm being ignored or shut out, but I haven't exactly worked up the courage to text him either. It's not like I could at this time anyway. It was already almost Monday morning and the tech on his phone wasn't doing us any favors. 

I guess there's no other choice but to face him head-on tomorrow. It was too late to do anything else.

My stomach was in knots and my nerves were shot. I grabbed a pillow and pressed it to my face, smothering my head inside the cotton.

I really, really don't want things to be awkward tomorrow.

I want to keep this friendship I have with Ari. I don't want what happened to change things. I just wish everything would stay the same.