"And we gon' show you what love is,
Stay high,
Go for what you know,
Let it in your mental,
And don't ever let it go..."
-
Harry's POV-
I hated having to leave her, but I had things to do, and there was no way she could tag along. The look she gave me when I dropped her off at her apartment crushed me. I could tell she was worried, and this time I had to do my best to keep my promise.
I still wasn't really sure how I felt about it all. I still didn't think I was good for her, but it was so hard for me to stay away, and it seemed like she had the same problem. She was obviously very attached, and if I didn't want to see her hurt, I had to stay.
It was a lose, lose situation for the both of us.
If I stopped seeing her it would kill her, and if I stayed, I was almost sure it would kill her too. Literally.
It was all too complicated for me to try and wrap my head around.
I had never been the type of person to think about the future. I just did what I wanted, and dealt with the consequences later. I didn't care what happened to me or anyone else as long as I felt good.
Everything was always about the present.
What gave me pleasure in the moment.
But with Cali, that all changed.
Since I had met her, all I could think about was the future. What was going to happen between us? How was I going to protect her? How was I going to keep everything secret?
It was like this impossible game of ping pong I kept playing in me head.
I was terrified because I didn't know what life would to look like for us. I had to think about my actions, because they were going to effect not only me, but her too.
What were we going to do? Get married? She'd have a horrible life being married to me, if we could even manage to get it past everyone. I'm sure she wanted kids. I couldn't give that to her.
It was like I felt responsible for her, and it was terrifying.
I was anxious the whole way back to the bar, and the fact the opening day was not even twenty four hours away didn't help.
I need to tell Cali about that.
There was a lot of things I needed to tell Cali that I couldn't.
There were things about me that she could never know, and I wasn't sure if I was comfortable lying to her. That was what made everything so difficult.
How could anyone have a relationship based on lies?
Everything is just so fucking complicated.
If she ever found out about my work, she would be in real danger. That wasn't just something I could sit back and watch happen.
I couldn't let her get hurt.
She would be roped into my lifestyle, unwilling, and locked in for life.
I knew how it was to feel stuck, with no hope, like you couldn't move forward. There was no way I was going to let her get trapped.
Before I met her, it felt like I was stuck in this never ending cycle. Like I was on a carousel that went around and around forever and never stopped. It was a shitty way to live, and sometimes I thought it might be better not to.
Since meeting her, it was like I had purpose again. Like she needed me to be there for her. Maybe it was me just trying to justify letting her in my life.
