YOURS

Chapter 52

Keiran's POV ;

Too much.

Everything, fucking everything felt like too much,and all I wanted was for it to stop.

If I could describe what I was feeling in words,it would be as how a column of mercury behaves. An accurate thermometer would be able to detect even the slightest changes in temperature,and adjust accordingly. If it got hot,it would show,cold;the same. A change was a change,small,big,all of it would reflect as per its surrounding. That was the nature of the mercury in the thermometer.
That was the nature of my emotions.

And right now,the column of mercury had shot all the way up.

I have always known I was a little more... susceptible to what I was feeling in the moment. It was normal,for humans are creatures of feeling,but I doubt that it was normal for me to feel to such extremities. Whenever I felt anything,be it joy, sadness,anger...I didn't just feel the surface of the emotion. I felt the full range,the full depth and span of it. The most extreme form of the emotion.

Most of the rest of the time,I felt nothing at all.

The numbness,the...lack of feeling,it took a while to get used to. It even scared me at first, because I was so sure there was something wrong with me,but as time went on,I got used to it. Welcomed it even. Sometimes it was better not to feel anything than to feel so deeply,and given how my mind processed emotion,it was a welcome break from the exhaustive high highs and low lows.

So,to make sure that everything remained fine,to make sure that few knew of how I really was on the inside,I made sure that I perfected absolute control over what I felt versus what I showed to people. To others,I functioned just as normally as they did.

That was until I met Delia,then everything went to shit.

All the years I spent learning how my mind responded to certain situations, training and teaching myself to respond as adequately and as normally as any other person would in any circumstance and the sheer control I had to muster when I was in my extremes,all of it got washed away when she came into my life.

She tugged at the loose thread of my control until it unravelled and pooled at her feet,and I wasn't even sure whether that was a good thing or not.

Suddenly,I couldn't tell what I was supposed to say when. Suddenly,I didn't know what I was to do when something happened when it came to her,for Delia elicited such an extreme,almost instinctual response from me that it was hard to even anticipate what it would be,and how I was to respond to it.
Right now was one of those times.

"Fuck," I muttered, taking a cigarette from my coat pocket and lighting it up,taking a moment to breathe the smoke in, feeling myself relax just the tiniest bit.
But not even the feeling of calmness slowly washing over my body could numb what I was feeling,nor wipe away the memory of her at the moment of Lucas' proposal to Briar.

Deep blue ocean eyes wide and awash with tears-fucking tears- hands clapping excitedly,her whole being radiating such pure joy and happiness for the two that it was literally hard to look at.

Because I wasn't sure I could ever make her as happy. Scratch that. I knew I couldn't make her that happy.

I found myself on my feet and out of the room before I even knew what I was doing. And that kind of core response,that kind of way she fucked my mind,that was as concerning as it was scary.

And I loathed being scared.

She didn't say it,but she showed albeit unconsciously that she wanted it. Delia wanted that spark,that connection,that love that came almost as easily as it came naturally. She wanted those romantic gestures,big or small. She wanted what Briar and Lucas have,that kind of soul tie that I am sure felt like you had found the flame that was to burn along side you for all eternity.