Everything

XLVII

Spencer

As I watched her turn and leave the room, my chest tightened with the pain and I physically winced, closing my eyes.

So, I mused, this is what it felt like, huh? This is what it felt like for a heart to break.

I thought I'd experienced it before. When she'd come back from that first date all bright and bubbly, talking about the new DA she'd met, and how they'd hit it off. How she could see herself having a future with him.

Once she and Alicia had left, I'd downed a whole bottle of whiskey that evening, and the scary thing was, it didn't even touch the sides.

But this? Seeing her look at me like I was asking her to do the impossible? Seeing the pain reflected in her eyes? The tears streaming down her face, knowing I was the one that put them there? It was too much to bear.

The physical pain was nothing compared to this. Sure, my entire body hurt like hell, and idiot as I was, I'd tried to play it down to Adriana. But whatever they had me hooked up to this time around wasn't doing anything to take the edge off the extreme discomfort every time I took a breath in - and I suspected that part had nothing to do with the car accident.

"Mr Haywood, you really need to keep this oxygen mask on," the nurse who'd barrelled into the room at full speed, said, "It's important you don't overdo it. Your body needs time to heal. Can you do that?"

"Fine." I responded sharply, turning my face away. 

Couldn't she see I was in no mood to talk? I'd just told my wife to leave me...

The nurse sighed, pivoting on one heel and exiting the room, pulling the door closed behind her.

I had no idea how bad it had been. Seeing it in Adriana's eyes had given me some idea, but when I'd seen all the machinery I was hooked up to, when they told me I'd been in surgery for almost four hours, it really brought it all home.

That, of course, and the fact I couldn't move my legs an inch.

The truth was, I was frightened. It felt like I was trapped in my own body, and the thought of not being able to move by myself was making me slowly lose my grip on reality.

And when it came down to it, that's what it would always be about, wouldn't it?

Adriana looked at me as if I'd hung the moon and the stars for her personally, and it was a feeling which still inflated me every day, still gave me the will to get through a hard slog in the newsroom, if I'd be rewarded with one of her smiles.

But as much as I relished, as much as I desired that look, was as much as it had the power to totally break me if it disappeared. It couldn't be my reality anymore.

It was inevitable. Month after month year after year, trapped with me. Trapped with a powerless man who relied on her. That look, it would change from adoration to pity. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle seeing that.

Adriana was all I'd ever wanted. All I'd ever planned for my life since I was 19 years old was spending it with her. I didn't care how, I didn't care where. As long as I was with her. I wanted to be the man she chose.

She was everything I wanted, and now she was everything I could never have.

Paralysis. That's what they'd said it could be. What the hell was that except signing my death warrant? I was 28-years-old, on the top of the world, and in minutes, it was all over. Because I'd decided to drive into my office to look at some stupid paperwork instead of staying with my wife at home.