Strings of Regret

Epilogue

After receiving and personally witnessing such devastating tragedy, I grew lethargic and more lifeless each passing day. I don't feel like waking up and wanting to pretend that everything is just a damn dream. But I know that it isn't. That's why I feel no purpose in opening my eyes for a new day anymore. I am fully aware that everything has changed and will remain that way for eternity... or maybe even in this lifetime.

I just don't see the purpose of living. Scratch that, I don't think I am. I'm barely alive.

It's crazy how life needs to go on despite the absence of a few people, the fading time, and the transitory happiness.

I got scolded a lot in work due to spacing out often times and lack of enthusiasm in interacting with the clients. I was so used of pretending to be fine. To appear tough. But feeling the same intense pain the second time around, and still hurts the same or even twice as much, made me vulnerable and broken once again.

Ngayon ko lang napagtanto ang mga bagay-bagay. Reese's random question about death and remaining time... He knew. Reese knew that he only had a short time left.

A sob came out of my lips as I sat on the vast green grass, still gripping the piece of paper he left me with, along with his guitar. The wind sensually brushed my weary face and teary eyes. I hugged my knee and buried my face on my arm while my right hand layed incapacitated on the smooth texture of the guitar.

It's been four months but it somehow still felt like yesterday. The excruciating pain, endless battles, another road to acceptance and moving forward. I always thought that He does not give you challenges you can't handle. And that He is only testing you, how strong you are. But... isn't this enough already? I am standing here despite the ache in my heart, the bruises and wounds life's constant war has inflicted on me... Yet here I am, standing still. Isn't this enough?

Why do I always have to be hurt? Bakit parang ayaw Mo akong maging masaya at palaging may kapalit?

These are one of the times I doubted Him. That I thought He had forsakened me.

I have mourned enough and I expected to stay lifeless and immobile for a year before I can get up again. I guess its safe to say that after all this years, that life has molded me to own a stone cold heart to the point that I became used to the pain, I became tougher. I thought. But, I am still in pain. I realized... I am still human to feel pain even with the thought that it won't bother me anymore. It won't hurt so much. But it still did. Perhaps, I still have a heart.

I can still vividly remember how I mentally declared that Reese is my anchor. I felt free when I admitted that to myself. But gripping this piece of paper that might shatter me again is a tangible reminder that you can't always be in control of life's fate.

I am a lost captain of a ship. For years I was reluctant to sail again, frightened that a storm may come along my journey. I wanted to remain where I am now. In this peaceful and delicate sea. And Reese is my anchor, the force that gives me comfort that it is alright to be in the same spot until you will feel free to sail again. Almost a decade has passed and the chain grew rusty yet the same firm hold never changed despite everything. However, indeed time has proven that calm wind brizzles with force, serene seas grow turbulent waves, and rusty anchor chains... break.

One way or another I have to let go and accept the fact that everything is predestined. What can I say? Life has its own way of giving you a wake up call that your time is enough. I became a coward long enough that I need to spread my wings and fly.

That's why the anchor broke, allowing the ship to sail away.

Perhaps this is the time where I need to open this unsent letter and let the words flow as the ink will start to coat my heart.