Elsker

45. A Long Process

Alison

The process of recovery is difficult, to say the least. It is not sudden, nor is it long. It is not quick, nor is it slow. Recovery lives outside of time. It is a continual process. The building and breaking. Growing in character continuously for the rest of time. This is nothing new to me. As we go through life we experience new things, troubling things, heartbreaks, aches, growing pains, and struggles, we seem to believe no one else has gone through them. We think we are special, that this pain is only for us, that we might have done something to deserve this pain or that no one could possibly understand. Little do we know the people that walk by us on the street probably know that same pain. We also think that this pain is the worst, no pain could compare, no pain could hurt worse, that is until we undergo the next trial. This is recovery. We continue to recover. We are not special. We are not singled out. We are humans walking in an imperfect world, learning how to continue, and hopefully not make those mistakes again. 

As I sat in the car with Laney, her eyes focused on me looking for signs of distress. The Humane Society sign outside the building didn't make me scared. I was shocked more so than anything. Of all people, Laney knew my history with dogs, and yet here we were. I didn't hear barking yet but my ears were searching for the sound. 

"If Mads knew you took me here-" I began to say. She cut me off quickly. 

"If Mads knew he would kill me. Even with the science to back it up, he would freak out. Allison this isn't about Mads. This is about you."

My hands were shaking. I took a deep breath, calming myself. I told myself to think of coping mechanisms that I had gone over before. 

"We are starting over," She says. 

"What do you mean, starting over?"

She shifts in her seat, facing me. 

"We are starting over how you cope. You're coping mechanism, like the one you are doing now, is not healthy."

I shake my head, dismissing her. "I was thinking of coping mechanisms but now that you said that I'm trying to think of the one I just did that was obvious to you."

What had I done that made her think I was trying a coping mechanism, I hadn't even gone through the list before she said that. 

"You brought up Mads. He is a safe space for you. I don't want to take away that safe space but if you continue to rely on the thought of him to bring you out of panic, you could become obsessed," She explains. 

Me. I'm obsessed? Mads would laugh at that. 

"We are going to sit here until we find your happy place, a thought. Something that we can use as a guide to your emotions."

"Since when did you start doing all that wellness crap? You hate that stuff," I say with a chuckle. 

She smiles. "It's science. Our brains are hardwired to be visual, that is why we have thoughts, mental maps, pictures of people in our heads. We can use that to build a safe place for your emotions. It's like a computer, that goes haywire, you just have to restart it and then it'll go back. To find your restart button you have to go to a place that makes you relaxed, happy. A safe place."

I sit with her words for a minute. I anticipate hearing dogs bark from the humane society but I dont hear anything.

"Lets just sit and think about it."