Elsker

25. Apparent

Mads

I am a father.

Never once had I imagined a moment like this. 

Never once had I imagined having a child with someone other than Allison. Not even Angela when we were first married had I imagined having a child. 

Rebecca looked a lot like her mother. I couldn't find similarities in our features but the paper was proof, wasn't it?

Currently, astonished by this new information, I was taken out of my reverie. 

Allison fell just a few feet from the table, her body went limp in the fraction of a second. Immediately I raced to her, jumping from my chair to her body. I cursed as she lay faint on the stone deck. I kneel beside her.

After asking Rebecca to hand me some water I pour it onto Allison's face which works. Her eyes jolt open and she sits up dizzily. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her close to my chest. 

"I got you," I say shushing her, pulling her towards me. 

She pants as if just coming up for air from being underwater. She wipes away the water on her face and looks at her surroundings.

Breathing in and out slowly she comes back to reality.

She hates me now. Doesn't she?

She'll look at me differently. She'll feel pain from this, I know she will. I wanted it to be her, for her to mother my children but how could I have known?

"Allison?" There is pain in my voice, questioning as if I am terrified. She doesn't say anything, she only looks back at me with confusion.

Is it bad that I wish I had never met Susanna Lofft? I understand that if Rebecca's claim is true, Rebecca would not have been born had I never met her mother. I just cannot stand the idea of fathering a child that is not connected to Allison. Does this make me a bad man?

I help Allison to her feet yet craddle her close to my body. She tries to stand but ends up crashing back into me, her head on my shoulder.

"I have you," I reassure her. I turn her body to the side, my arm around her waist. I put my arm under her legs and pull her against me.

I carry her like I always seem to do when her luck runs out.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry," Rebecca stammers.

"I'm going to put her in our room. She's just... shocked... we weren't expecting..."

I stop myself before I say anything by accident. I hold onto my Allison and carry her inside. Rebecca silently waits for my return.

After putting Allison in bed I take off her shoes and dress and tuck her in. Even though she probably can't hear me, I tell her I'll be right back.

I return to the great hall and find Rebecca standing nervously by the fireplace.

She was Susanna's daughter, that was true. She looked like her, the red hair, the ivory skin, the large lips, the thin lanky body. What wasn't Susanna's was the brown eyes and the extreme height, both of which I had.

Maybe I was over thinking. All I knew was she looked nothing like Allison.

I knew Allison and I could never have our own but I didn't want a kid with anyone else.

I needed proof and although the paper said so, I wanted to look at all of my options. I felt sick to my stomach about this whole situation but I had to also think about Rebecca's feelings.

"Is she okay?" Rebecca asks.

I nod. "I'm... I'm trying to process this information."

She nods in agreement. "I know its news that you may not want. I understand if you don't want to talk to me-"

"No! No, I just..."

"Need time? Lord knows I did when I found out."

We are silent but only for a moment as the need to apoligize is eating at me.

"I'm sorry, Rebecca. I don't know what you expected but it's rather difficult to take," I apoligize.

"No! You're acting way better than some of the stories I've heard online. I just... when I came here for the job, I just wanted to see you and then the job became so appealing and when you gave it to me I jumped at the chance. I didn't plan on telling you and then Allison asked me to come here and I thought maybe I could... the guilt of not letting you know was just as worse as the guilt of telling you."

I nod, taking in her words. Guilt of telling me?

"Why would you feel guilting of telling me?" I ask.

She looks down in shame. Her hands are close to her, picking at her nails nervously.

"You seem so happy and I didn't want to ruin that," she says quietly.

I sigh.

She had guts, some serious balls to come here and tell me, I'll give her that. She was also sweet about it, not expecting me to hug her as say I've always wanted a child like her. She was also realistic which made it easier to confront this... situation.

I sat down on the couch and tried to gather my thoughts.

Susanna and I had been together, and it was in the same year. I'll also admit, I didnt use a condom. I remember this clearly because, Susanna was my first. She and I had had sex throughout high school and we rarely used contraception, stupid I know. I used to be amazed that she wasnt pregnant.

I was shaking my head now, hating my younger self for the mistakes I've made. I am truly fucked.

This must be kiling Allison though. Thats probably why she fainted. The overwhelming realizationt that your fiance had a child with another woman. It must be even worse on her with the fact that she cannot have children, that we cannot have children.

"Allison and I... Allison cannot..." the words were like poision, they brought a horrid taste to my mouth. Luckily, Rebecca understood, she simply nodded and her awkward smile turned to a frown.

"I'm sorry. This must be hard on her. I cannot imagine the pain but... I'm so sorry. I can't believe... I should have told you alone, I shouldn't have said anything," she panics suddenly.

"No!" I interject and stand abruptly.

"I am glad you told me... what..." I was hesitent to ask the question that came suddenly to my mind. I didn't know if she would be offended by the question or answer it at all.

"What is it that you want? Out of telling me this, what will you get from this?" I ask.

She bites her lower lip and takes one step foreward. As if she has decided it was a wrong move, she takes a step back. She moves her hands, from her chest outward towards me as if giving me something. She does this movement with her hands a couple times before answering.

"I-I-I dont know. I just... I wanted you to know. I am not expecting you to drop everything and take me in as if I'm some long lost child," she says rolling her eyes. "I just wanted you to know because if it were me, I'd want to know."

Was it bad that I wish I didn't know?