Elsker

10. Crash and Burn

Allison

I couldn't stand being in the same room as him. I felt so much anger from giving him so much. Even though he'd done a lot for me, I felt like I had given him my all. I never lied, only the truth came from me. I never hurt him in anyway. I trusted him, left my life behind. When I say my life, I never mean my parents. I mean my friends that helped me, I mean the college I attended. I never once wantrd him to give up anything, I left him so that he wouldn't have issues in keeping what he loves.

Maybe I'm just angry. Maybe I'm just talking shit. Maybe I am realizing just how much I could do, my own potential. I hated this feeling, doubting myself everytime a thought came. I became angry at myself for being selfish but then went back on my word because I wasn't selfish. I got angry that he lied but regreted being Mad because he's done so much for me. I felt my mind betraying itself every other minute. Something was missing, that was the only thing I was sure of, something I hadn't figured out.

I tried to say in the bedroom but felt so claustrophobic after a while. I took a shower to clear my mind. After an hour, I tossed my damp hair in a bun and then got dressed in a satin black underwear set then covered up with my black silk robe.

I wondered down to the library, hoping to find a good book. I entered the cold and dark library as if it was a foreign place. I switched on the light, scanning the room for a minute before starting my search.

I tried looking for Jans Eyre but it wasn't in its usual place. My next book was a collection of short stories by Shirley Jackson. I scanned through the book but I found it uninteresting at the moment. I looked through the shelves, scanning for classics. I grab a Jane Austen novel but place it back a moment later shaking my head. I tried scanning othet genres. From Stephen King to Nicholas Sparks.

I was thankful to hear the noise of the front foor opening and shutting. A fear arose within me a moment later however as I expected the argument and anger to burst through the door.

I took hesitant steps to the door. After hearing the car keys being tossed on the coffee table in the great hall, I decided to walk out.

He looked like shit. His shirt wrinkled to no end, unbuttoned. His hair was sticking up in random places. His eyes were red from no sleep.

He sat in a chair, his elbows on his knees, his hands on his face. He sighs and takes a moment for himself to figure out how to relax. Taking in a few deep breathes and then suddenly releasing his vision from behin his hands.

Mads looked up at me with pain and guilt. I couldn't tell if he was hurt by my own words or by the entire dilema.

"I should have told you," he says.

"I should have told you but I was... I was scared. I can't lose you. I won't. I refuse to lose you. I love you too much to let you go. If you knew... I felt like you'd leave me. Please don't leave me," he sighs.

"How could I leave you?"

There were two ways this could go. I had only realized it until after I said it. What I meant was that I could never leave him because I love him too much. Instead of taking this in the loving way in which it was meant, Mads thought of something else.

He stood up abruptly. He lends out his hands as if giving up. His eyebrows furrow together, questionably.

"What does that mean?" He asks roughly.