Elsker

28. Locked Away

Allison

Sophia looked at me, focusing on my movements and facial expressions.

"I think you're getting too attached," Sophia says. "Do you ever do anything without Mads or his approval?"

I looks off to the side towards the french framed windows of Sophia's home office. It was beautiful, elegent wood panels and cabinets with book cases aligning the walls. It wasn't a big office but it was perfect enought to hold meetings and do her work.

Sophia awaited for my reply and it took a lot longer than expected.

"I just... I just want him to be happy," I try to explain.

Sophia tilts her head to the side giving her patient a concerning look.

"What do you mean?"

I try to explain without crying. I could never talk about things like this, things involving my past without crying.

"I can be stubborn. I was stubborn about our honeymoon. I was stubborn and angry when I found out about his divorce. I was angry at him for not believing me. I look at him now and I worry about if I've ruined things. I mean... I am such a burden... I make everything difficult. It seems nothing I do is right and when everything is going right I screw it up by getting hurt or getting involved in something. I am an endless cycle of bad luck."

"Do you think that this endless cycle has caused a rift between you and Mads?"

"It is the rift."

We are silent. She searches through her notes for a minute while I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"What do you think is a result of this cycle?"

I think.

Mads worries about me to no end. The endless cycle of my clumsiness results in... his worrying... his unhappiness.

"Mads worries. I think his worriedness has caused him to be unhappy."

She nods. "Thats what I thought you'd say... Allison..." she sighs. Sophia contemplates a way to put her thoughts into words.

"Mads says something new has come up in your lives. Do you want to talk about it?"

I take in a shaky breath. I can't freak out, I can't cry. I try to hold my emotions on, years of practice have prepared me for this. I bite my lip bruisingly.

"You're talking about Rebecca, aren't you?"

She nods and awaits my reaction. I don't feel like crying and I don't feel fear. My breath is shaky as I take in the idea yet again. Mads having a child with someone else.

"Mads, I don't know what he's going through but... I can only be here for him," I sigh.

"How do you feel about it? Mads fathering someone else's child."

I can only shake my head. The feeling is unbearable. Terrible and painful. My nerves feel like they are on fire as I take on the idea.

"I-I-I can't give him that," my voice cracks. "He's always wanted that."

"Allison, you have talked about Mads's happiness at least twice in each session. Do you think that because you cannot have children that you cannot make him happy?"

I nod almost shamefully.

"As someone who went to medical school with Mads, I can tell you confidently that Mads has only ever wanted a child with you. He raised and helped raise all of his nephews and his niece. He wanted to father your children, no one else's."

I take her words to heart but it isn't enough to stop the pain in my nerves.

"I can't give him that anymore. I didn't think he wanted that when I could and now that I can't he... I remember our fight that day I was attacked, the day we found out. I thought he didn't want it... I barely remember what he said but he was pretty disappointed."

She nods. "He's talked a couple of times about that fight. What did you feel when that fight occurred?"

I try to remember. Much of that day had been fuzzy due to being beat with a baseball bat.

I remember vomiting. Mads had been sweet, rubbing my back and holding my hair. He had gone to get me water. He was hesitant to ask me when my last period was and when I couldn't remember I was in a panic. I checked the calendar in the kitchen and I counted the days. I was two months late, completely forgetting about my period due to working at the inn and keeping track of my weight because I was trying to no longer look like a skeleton. Mads cursed and began to panic and suddenly the doubt on his face was too much. I began to fear his doubt and decided to leave.

My body began to shake suddenly as the fear and the memories came back to me.

"Oh no..." I hear Sophia whisper to herself.

The memories cannot be interrupted. Engulfing me in the pain that suddenly comes. The smell of cinnamon hits me, the smell of Troy's breath hitting me as he chokes me from behind, his lips grazing my neck. I cannot escape the pain as my throat becomes tight.

"Allison!"

The sound of Mads's voice brings me back. Mads cups my face in his hands. He crouches in front of the couch where I sit, he searches for a response from me but I can't seem to give him one.

"Allison, baby, look at me," He says softly.

I try to move but I can't, I can't move my lips or hands, not even my eyes.

Mads looks off to the side at Sophia.

I feel a sense of irritation from within. Maybe it was the situation or maybe it was the overwhelming sensation of seeing this continuous cycle. Again and again I feel this "thing" eat at me.

Talking to Sophia about this worry about my constant bad luck, and now here we are again. My body betraying me, panic consuming me. How many times until I an feel normal? How many times do I need to fall before I can run again? They say picking yourself back up again and again is worth the final victory but they never mention just how exhausting it is. I feel myself being torn between entering another dark cloud of panic and picking myself up from the concrete and running. Lifting the weight off of me, the release of air from my lungs, the opening of my eyes.

I have been bullied and teased.

I have been attacked by dogs.

I have been abused mentally and physically by my father.

I have been sexually assaulted by different people.

I have been raped.

I have been stabed

I have lost a baby.

I have died and come back.

I have been drugged and whiped.

I can't let this push me down again. Not again or ever again.

Before Kristi and Will announced their engagement, I was a confident college girl. I remember vividly insulting Mads when I met him, confidence feuled me. What changed?

The week I met Mads, it was the last week that confident Allison had lived.

After leaving the island for the first time, Kristi had come by my house to beg me to go shopping. She had me fitted for a bridesmaids dress. She was rude as usually, blunt more like it. Kristi scolded me for looking so pale. She didnt like how thick my hair was. She didnt like how I stood and how I smiled.

That wasn't what killed confident Allison, it was that night.

I pulled myself away from the memory before it came.

I took in a deep breath and reality hit me. What was it? The memory was hidden in my brain, locked in a box with no key.