Hinata's broken mask

Chapter 12

*POV Hinata*

Since Kageyama was here I felt a lot better. I wanted to be near him. I already missed him. He helped me so much yesterday. I was still nothing without him. But this time it was not only about volleyball, but also my normal life. I was so useless.

I started crying again and could barely breath. My hands were shaking and I still felt like throwing up. I felt so helpless. I needed Kageyama. He just left the house and I already felt like shit again. I couldn't take it, I needed Kageyama. I couldn't calm down otherwise. Or could I? I remembered the feeling when I opened my wounds yesterday.

TW

I went to the bathroom, took off my pullover and also my bandages. I did just like yesterday and nd made my wounds bleed again. But that wasnt enough. I wanted more.

I looked through the drawer and actually found the razor blades from my birth-giver. I put them to my arm. I carefully pressed my hand on the blade, while I slowly pulled it towards myself.

A cut resulted, that immediately started bleeding. That feeling was so beautiful. The pain in my arm let me forget everything else for a moment. Only this single cut mattered.

After that short feeling from freedom stopped, I again put the blade there and pulled another line. And again that feeling of freedom overwhelmed me. Just like that I continued, I pulled more and more lines on my arm.

TW end

I forgot everything around me and came back to reality from the sound of the key in the door. I hurried and quickly let cold water go over my left arm. Then I dried it and put the bandages back on.

I heard Kageyama yell up to me if everything was okay and walk upstairs. I quickly put the blade back to the drawer and went to Kageyama. When he saw me he smiled a little.

It was afternoon on a Sunday so we decided to watch a movie. I got the movie while Kageyama prepared the snacks. Well not really snacks, he put a few chips in a bowl, hoping i would at least eat them. But his hope was sadly crushed.

After i started the movie and sat down next to Kageyama on the couch, my hands began to shake. Just a little. I wanted to hide it from Kageyama. At first it suceded but not long.

He asked me if he could invite Sugawara. At first I was a little confused about that question, but soon agreed. I was actually happy about that, because Sugawara was a big part of my family. Well, at least I thought so, even tho the others probably felt otherwise.

While I was still carried away in my thoughts, thinking about how each team member was a part of my family, Kageyama still looked into my eyes. Then he looked to my hands and could see the shaking.

He took my hands in his and this warmth was pretty calming. Everything was so calm right now. Not the room was quiet, because the movie still went on, even tho I the sounds were comfortable. There was a peace inside of me, that I didn't know for a long time. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed this perfect moment. At some point I fell asleep.

*POV Kageyama*

I asked him to invite Sugawara and he agreed. Again without saying a word. I got used to the quiet way sooner than I wanted. Then I noticed how he fell asleep on my shoulder, so i texted Sugawara to not use the doorbell but use the other key.

I explained him the place and lied my head against Hinata's. He was so quiet, so peacefully. I wanted for him to stay like that, so that he felt better and could sleep again.

I closed my eyes too but took care not to fall asleep. But I still had to see that I woke up from the sound of the key. This had to be Sugawara.

Also Hinata got anxious. His hands clenched and his face didn't look peaceful but now exhausted and stressed and his breathe got faster. I quickly started petting him to calm him. That even worked a little but he only started relaxing again after he could hear Sugawaras quiet voice, saying he was here now. I guess he was afraid to receive someone else.

After the little one calmed down and could sleep again, I greeted Sugawara. He scrutinized us and his sight finally fell to our hands, that were still folded. I immediately turned red and he started laughing.

But his laugh was somehow so nice and warm, even tho he laugher over me not with me. So i relaxed again.

He asked if I now knew about my feelings and i slowly nodded. There was no point in lying to Sugawara, he already knew the truth anyway and would tease me with the lie.

It was somehow funny. Suga was like the mom of the team. You could talk to him about anything and he was always there for you. He looked through our lies and didn't think bad about us because of the truth. I mean Daichi was like a parent too, but just different. He was just more like a father and Suga more like a mother. I couldn't really explain why.

I smiled towards Hinata, but just a second later I got so damn sad, that he had to experience something like that. I asked Sugawara about the bruises and he told me everything he knew.

Hinata got hit from his father, couldn't eat or sleep because of that and then got worse in practice. But he didn't hurt himself and it made me feel a little relieved, because Sugawara usually could see if Hinata was lying. And I couldn't imagine that Hinata could lie in that moment, so even Suga would buy it. So I felt a lot better, because Hinata's bruises would end now. He could finally be happy again, and I would make sure it would happen.

At some point I could feel Hinata shaking again and looked at him. Tears went out of his eyes and he looked so helpless again. Soon he started screaming again and I woke him up.

When he woke up, his breathe was to fast again, but not dangerous yet. I could soon manage to calm him and let him fall asleep on my shoulder again.

I could feel Sugawara's shocked face without even looking at him. He seemed to understand why I wouldn't leave tonight. He thanked for the invite and then left.