Hinata's broken mask

Chapter 24

*POV Hinata*

TW

I closely looked at the tiny object in his hands and realized what it was. A lighter. He handed it over while saying:

K: "Just take it, I understand. I can see how you're struggling right now. Believe me, I get it. There is nothing to relieve the urge right now and if it doesn't stop you'll jump into traffic. So take it. Right now it is the most effective way without leaving marks. Please take it, I won't judge you if you do. I get it. I don't want you killing yourself because you can't do it right now."

I looked at him but then thankfully accepted the lighter. I looked around me and them sat down in fron of a small wall. Kenma sat down next to me. I pulled up my sleeve and started leaving tiny red marks. I held it onto one spot longer and it hurt worse.

This pain was what I needed. I felt a lot better and handed the lighter back over. I wanted to hide my arm again but Kenma stopped me to closely look at my injuries.

K: "Your addiction is worse than I was hoping. Of course I want to help you get rid of me, but you can't just quit from one moment to another. As I said, you're addicted and if you stop right ow you'll experience a cold turkey. That would be very dangerous. Trust me, I nearly died because of this. Kuroo left me alone for just a moment and I took every pill I could find. Just before I was able to swallow them Kuroo came back and stopped me."

TW End

I nodded. Then he pulled my sleeve back down and we got up to get on our way back. Meanwhile we talked about Kenma and how Kuroo helped him, how his addiction ended and other things. And about me, what I've been doing to myself, how I felt while doing it, my thoughts and how my down phases went down and if they had a trigger.

We talked about pretty much things , especially since Kenma was asking the correct questions. The fact he had to deal with this himself was very helpful.

When we arrived back at school at some point it was nearly midnight. Kuroo and Kageyama both waited for us in front of the sleeping rooms. Inside Daichi and Suga waited. They were staying awake just for me.

I was feeling guilty for making them worry. After they saw me they quickly fell asleep soon. I cuddled up to Kageyama who kissed my forehead. I gently kissed his neck and told him how much I love him. Then we also fell asleep.

The next day I was feeling a lot better. I was sleeping a lot more last night than usually and was extremely glad that Daichi, Suga and also probably Kageyama knew about this. The talk with both of them was really difficult for me, but the time afterwards with Kenma was very helpful.

He gave me some advice, trusted me and gave me the feeling to no be alone and he understood me. He even gave me a lighter so I could burn myself. I was so glad I had all of them.

I started smiling. For the first time in what felt like eternity I was able to carefree smile. This alone gave me hope. Kageyama gave me a lot of strength. I was still lying in his arms and watched the sleeping king. I just couldn't help but kiss him, he was so beautiful.

I woke him up by doing so. He opened his eyes and looked at me with his sleepy blue eyes. His bed hair made him look very cute and I started smiling even more. Then he also started smiling and kissed me. This tiny moment was so light.

It was just one of those tiny moments that actually were not even that important, but that always showed you the beautiful things in life. But it was just one moment that made me feel that way. I actually needed a lot more of them. If life could be this beautiful then death would be very unfortunate and doesn't make sense.

I just enjoyed the moment until the others started waking up one by one. I left the sleeping room at first and went to the toilet. I got ready and washed my face and then went back to the others. After me also Tanaka and Noya got back and we went to the place we talked about to eat.

Today I was able to eat more than yesterday. I made progress every day, just like with the sleeping. Because of this I also got a little better in volleyball again. Only my addiction got worse. Just like Kenma said, it is a vicious circle. If I continued it only got worse but if I just stopped at one moment it would be very dangerous and the risk of dying was pretty high.

So I had to quit slowly and find alternatives. Kenma was also still self harming sometimes. But at the moment he was not controlled by this addiction but only hurt himself if there was no other possibility.

I needed help and I was able to accept that now. Kenma already helped me a lot. I got a little hope back.

Even though I later had to come to the Realisation that this was just one of the positive phases that was followed by a negative one, but this was still good. At least the positive ones were also getting stronger. Not only the negative ones...

Today was Saturday and another party. I didn't really know if I should be happy. In my downs I only wanted to get drunk to forget about my worries and in my ups I was exited for this party.

No matter what I was gonna go and get drunk. Maybe I'd have some fun.

It was early afternoon, around 2? I got outside to take a walk. I liked walking around here, I really liked this place. It was quiet, at least the way I always walked.

So I went down my familiar path and as I entered a beautiful meadow where I didn't see many people. I sat down at a bench. Then I close my eyes an enjoyed the cold air on my skin. I took a deep breath. I could hear the sound of the wind in the trees and I knew somewhere ma team, my family, waited for me and needed me.

This thought quickly crossed my mind. The next moment I viewed this completely different. I didn't feel the wind as enjoyable cool, but as ice cold. The air somehow was weird that made my breathing more difficult than it was before. And also the sound of the trees got louder and uncomfortable. And about the team, no one needed me, I didn't matter...

I thought about how everything would be without me. How everyone would be feeling if I just disappeared. If anyone would even notice. Would they miss me?

But I couldn't think about this for long, because I heard a voice right in front of me.