Hinata's broken mask

Chapter 14

~timeskip to thursday~

*POV Noya*

We have waited pretty long on Monday, until the doctors send us home. Then his state wasn't critical anymore already. He even woke up at Tuesday already but didn't want to see us then. He send us out of the room every time. But today he got send home and I was sure he would come to practice.

My assumption got confirmed when he showed up there. He wanted to play but Daichi said no. I think Hinata was afraid to not be able to come to the training camp, but we all were relieved when Daichi made clear that he would of course come with us.

But something other than the training camp was bothering me at the moment. Of course I was happy to see Nekoma, but I was worried about Hinata. When the doctor told us that he was pretty starved we all were shocked.

Well, nearly all, Daichi, Sugawara and Kageyama only looked sad to the floor, as if they already knew but still couldn't prevent it. I... It really burdened me pretty much. I didn't even want to think back at the time, but I REALLY didn't feel good then.

Im glad that Ryu was there for me back then. But exactly that was the reason I wanted to be there for Hinata now. I wanted to talk to him, but right now it felt like the wrong time. Training camp seemed to be the perfect time for it, but the longer I wait, the worse it gets. I knew that best. I could only hope Hinata would stick around.

*POV Hinata*

Practice ended and I couldn't hit one ball. When everyone went home I did too. Kageyama told me he would come over tonight again to spent the night at my house.

This week I got sleeping pills. I still got nightmares that made me go through hell, but at least I slept. It didn't really give me any rest but at least it looked like I was asleep to other people.

So I decided to take the pills again, even though Kageyama would lay next to me. I didn't want to bother him. I did understand that Kageyama only stayed awake for me.

Since Kageyama spent the night, everything was weird between us. He didn't yell at me anymore, smiled more often and praise me. he was different than before. I just didn't know if it was good or not. I mean on one hand I enjoyed the warmth that was coming from him, but on the other hand I didn't know if he just did that out of pity.

TW

When I got home the need to hurt myself overwhelmed me. I also had that feeling the entire time in the hospital but held back mostly. I pinched my arms or legs, scratched my skin open and said that it was itching because I had a mosquito bite, bit my tongue and lips until I started bleeding and started putting my hands on my neck and choked myself like that. But that was no replacement for the blade.

I started crying and shaking really bad. I slowly went to my room to my desk. I opened the drawer and took out a silver plastic sharpener and broke it. I took out the silver blade and watched it.

I was hypnotized by it and went over it with my left index finger. I watched how blood formed in seconds. I only thought this was perfect. So I started to draw lines on my arm again. This feeling calmed me down. I was completely free from all thoughts for a moment, my head was empty.

At some point I stopped and cleaned all up. Then I put the blade in a little box. I also put a black tie in it that I could use to choke myself. Also an even tinier can with some painkillers and a nearly identical one with sleeping pills. I wrote on both of them what was inside. And also some bandages.

I took that box to my desk. Then I sat down and started writing. A letter. In this letter I explained everything. The things with my father. My feelings. And my wish to die. I wrote a letter for the volleyball team.

TW end

I folded the paper and put it inside an envelope. I wrote on it: Karasuno volleyball team. I took another piece of paper and wrote a note and asked to let everyone of the team read this letter and I also wanted for Nekoma, especially Kenma to read it.

After I was ode I cut off all the space I didn't write on and folded the paper even tinier than the actual letter. I put the note with the letter inside the envelope. Then I looked to the wall. There were pictures. Babypictures of myself, pictures of the team, pictures of Kageyama and me, pictures of Kenma and me, picture of Tanaka, Noya and me and pictures of Daichi, Sugawara and me.

I took a few pretty one from the entire team and also put them into the envelope. Then I closed it and put it to the other things in the box.

I looked at it closer now. It was the color of wood, with patterns on the side and an engraved volleyball on the top. I could open the top to one side and the other side had a little lid. The box was little bigger than a letter and as high as my fist.

I put the box aside and lied down in bed. Then I looked at my phone. Kageyama texted me about 15 minutes ago: Coming now. So I walked down to open the door for him but he opened it himself while I still was on the stairs. It seemed to be normal for him now. I smiled. I was happy to see him.

Some time later we went to bed. I showed Kageyama the pills because I couldn't talk and he shouldn't think I dont know what if I just took the pills. He nodded so he understood. So I took a pill and lied down next to Kageyama.

He petted my head and I fell asleep. I had nightmares again. I couldn't take them. It always was the same dream. Because of the pills it seemed to never end, since Kageyama didn't wake me up when i couldn't take it anymore. But I somehow felt Kageyama's warmth and it calmed me down a little. The dream was still not really takeable but I was glad he was here.