Hinata's broken mask

Chapter 23

*POV Sugawara*

Hinata didn't look at us. He just stood there crying in my arms. I didn't know how to help him, I couldn't do anything to cheer him up. I couldn't do anything the whole time. He never got better, only worse.

I was so sure, when I asked him back then if he self harmed and he said no, he was telling the truth. I wondered when all of this started. There were so many cuts on his arm. I've never seen so many in one place before. Some were older and some were really fresh.

I blamed myself, I should have known better. I should have seen! I always act like the mother of the team but I don't even notice when one of my babies is hurting. Great...

I was so horrible I wanted to break down and cry as well. I didn't want any of this right now. I didn't want reality right now. But I had to be there for Hinata and I couldn't show him how helpless I felt and how terrible I was feeling. Because I was sure he was doing a lot worse at the moment.

So we still stood there hugging each other and neither of us moved. We let Hinata cry. Daichi joined us as well and put an arm around Hinata and the other one around me. No matter how weak I was, Daichi was there. Even now he noticed I was not feeling good and was there for me. Of course the priority was Hinata right now, but he also cared about me.

We stood there for quite some time. At some point Hinata calmed a little and started explaining.

H: "I... Yes I cut myself... I just can't deal with this. I feel so damn useless, so unnecessary. It's always been that way, I always felt horrible. Even as a child I was as euphoric as you know me, but when I was alone I always thought about every negative aspect of me... Then the thing with my father happened... He hit and cut me and... raped me. Then he killed my mom and sister, got send into prison for this. You know the rest of the story, ever since it happened I can't sleep anymore, you just didn't know that I also started cutting myself. When I cut I forget all my emotions and thoughts for a moment. This releasing feeling of emptiness has been saving me all this time. Damn it, I just can't do this anymore!"

I was shocked to say the least at how calmly Hinata explained. He was still crying very strongly therefore he was stuttering a little. I just couldn't believe it. My poor little baby... He felt so much pain. And I wasn't there for him...

We were staying in the bathroom for quite some time and talked to him and explained he wasn't useless and we all were there for him. Then this talk was visibly getting too much for him and he wanted to go on a walk with Kenma. He called him and then left. We let him go.

As soon as we couldn't see him anymore I started crying. Why didn't I see? It shouldn't have gone this far if only I reacted. I was blaming myself for everything that has happened. Additionally I was afraid Hinata might end up terribly hurting himself or worse.

I just couldn't take it anymore and Daichi hugged me tight. I broke down in his arms and just cried. He helped me calm down again my petting my back and whispering into my ear how much he needed me, how much the team needed me.

As I calmed down we decided to talk to Kageyama. In the sleeping room we could see Yaku, Kageyama and Akaashi. As soon as the both of them saw us they could see something was wrong and when we approached Kageyama they immediately left the room to give us space to talk. So we started talking.

D: "Hey Kageyama... You have to stay calm and don't get angry. We saw Hinata in the bathroom how he held a lighter in his hands."

K: "WHAT?! Is he smoking?!"

S: "No I don't think it was meant for that. We saw his arm and it showed a lot of cuts and bruises. Then he broke down crying in my arms and told us he was cutting himself. He also told us that his dad.... that he raped him..."

Kageyama also took a while until he processed all of the news. He swallowed. He was visibly struggling not to cry but he pulled himself together. He nodded understanding, so he wasn't mad at Hinata.

We continued talking about this for a while to process it but especially to figure out how to deal with it. I was afraid to leave Hinata out of sight for even just a moment. I was scared to see his face that was too scared to talk to me about him not feeling well. But I had to get through this somehow.

*POV Hinata*

I texted Kenma a short message: Come to the bathroom!

Of course he read the message immediately and it didn't take him 2 whole minutes to show up in front of me. He quickly understood the situation. He looked at the lighter, then at my arm and lastly at my teary face. He walked towards me, took my hand and pulled me out of the room. He quickly smiled at Daichi and Suga as a goodbye. Probably meant thank you.

We were walking around for some time. We were doing this quite often lately. For some time we walked quietly next to each other until I broke the silence.

H: "Thank you for coming. I hope the other two didn't misunderstand that I needed to get outside..."

K: "No, I am sure they understand. They looked like they were thankful for us taking a walk."

This sentence relieved me, especially since I knew Kenma wouldn't lie about this. I then trusted him with a lot of my worries, how I felt and how this self harm made me feel. I nearly told him everything.

I just talked everything out of my mind and he patently listened and didn't judge me. At some point he told me he was struggling with depression. He also used the method of self harm when everything was too much for him. It however weren't visible injuries that left marks.

He told me about this ups and downs, how he dealt with them and how he hurt himself. He understood it was necessary sometimes, that there sometimes was no other way. Right now I also felt like it, I tried ignoring the urge but it grew every second.

I felt a little less alone since he understood me in some ways. Especially the part about self harm. I think he knew what the lighter actually was used for, when he bought it for me. He still did it because he knew I needed it in that moment.

TW

My hands started shaking a little and the urge to make me feel pain was intense. I was not able to ignore it. I would have done anything right now to make this urge go away. I would have jumped in front of a car, let someone shoot me or hit my head against one of the stones in front of us.

I needed this pain. Right now! I couldn't take this. I needed it. Inside of me everything was uneven, screaming for the pain and relieve. No matter what I did, hugging Kenma, telling hi everything, nothing helped. Nothing would make this urge go away. It just grew and didn't stop. It just grew bigger.

If I didn't get any pain anytime soon I would jump in front of a car. I just couldn't take this, whatever this was. My hands were shaking more and this weird tingling in my fingers started spreading. What was I supposed to do now, I couldn't just hurt myself in front of Kenma. And even if I did, I had nothing with me to assist me.

This situation was so horrible and I didn't know what to do. My fingers moved on their own. They wandered to my hand and pinched me hard. I lost control over them. My mouth also didn't listen to me anymore as it bit my tongue, harder and harder. But that didn't even come close to help me relieve. Neither really hurt.

Damnit, what now? I looked around for possibilities to hurt myself until Kenma handed me something. By now we arrived at some place without people in sight. I closely looked at the object in his hands and realized what it was.