Rivalry

Time flies and finally i got to see you

Sebastian Pov

"How are you?" Those words always get me evertime they ask me that question. It's hard to give them an exact and precise answer. It has so many meaning behind that sentence. It is either they want to know what you've been doing or how's everything been doing.

"I don't know." The best answer that you can give is that word. You don't know if you're ok. You don't know if you're doing better and better. It always the emptiness inside.

"Right. So, I'm happy to see you again."

"It's just been three days, doc." I cut him off. He was taken aback but soon smile at me.

"I know Mr. Moy. Everyone is worried. It's been 7 years and you haven't changed." I gritted my teeth and secretly clenched my hand. What do they know about what i feel? What do they know how much suffering i am in? It's been seven years since they introduced me to a psychologist. I know I'm not doing well for the past years but there's no need to bring me here.

"I want to stop coming here. There's no chance for me to be ok and i will never be ok. I can heal on my own without others help." I didn't wait for his reply when I got up and got out of his office. I've been fed up with their comforting words that never comforted me. As soon as i got out of the building, i head out to the parking lot and drive away from that place.
It's been seven years. Seven years of suffering. Seven years of grieving. Everyone already had their job and happy with their life but here i am, still stuck in the year when Ryan died. My parents recommended me to a psychologist to help me heal but it didn't help me. I tried to forget and move on but i still keep coming back to his grave and cry. Blaming him for everything I'm going through. I tried many times to end my life so i could see him already. I put myself into a car accident but the ambulance was too fast to respond and brought me to the hospital. I tried drowning myself but Oliver was there. I tried everything. I don't know why i did those things. At first, my reason is i want to see him. I want to hold him. But then, i realized that i did those things because I want the pain to go away. I want to get this pain out of my chest. I visit his graveyard everyday. Give him flowers, talking about my day without him. How I'm doing. I sometimes sleep there because I couldn't lift my feet and walk away.(🎶) I clenched the steering wheel as i drive fast. The sun is already setting and I want to witness its fall. They say, when the sun set, it means everything that happened today will end. If the sun rise, it means it's a new beginning. It sounds like life and death. Everything will end if you die. Your suffering, your problem, your happiness will fade. When you born, new beginning comes. Ryan he came and he brings joy in my life. He changed me. When he left, he took the big part of me. Half of me died when he died. Half of me was missing. I just want to make a change. I want to end all of this. 

    I parked my car  near the shore where the sun look beautiful when it set. I stayed inside took my phone and look at the time. Back in the past, Ryan and i never had a chance to date. Never had the chance to shower each other's love. Never had the chance to go picnic, go see a movie, visit a museum and watch sunset and sunrise. Neither of my plan happened.  No, I don't want to cry because seven years are enough. I still remember the first time we met. The first time i touched his skin. The first time we kissed. If i didn't kissed him that day that brought us to this situation, will he still be alive? Will we see together the sunset? The next morning when i visit him for the first time after his burial, i straightly head out to his house. I apologize to his parents. Admitted that it was my fault. I thought they're going to hate me and  yell at me but instead, they hugged me. That time, it was my first time to cry hard. I literally fall on my knees, trembling while keep on saying sorry. Days passed, it became my daily routine to visit him in the cemetery. I continued my life after that. I graduated college. Took over dad's business. I did all the planned i made to do with ryan, alone. I go watched his favorite movie, go to his favorite restaurant. Bought a puppy.  You see how hard i suffered? I suffered for the last seven years because of him. I sleep at night asking why did he left me so sudden? I wake up in the morning asking myself what's the reason why I'm still alive. I chuckled as i think about my past. I looked in front of me and I was stunned. The sun begins to set. I took my phone and captured the moment. If Ryan was here I'm sure he's already outside the car sitting on the sand and cherishing the  beautiful view. In the middle of my wandering, my phone suddenly rings.

"Sebastian."

"What's up?"

"Where are you? I came to Mr. Calvin's office to fetch you but he said you walked out." I could feel the worries on Oliver's voice.

"Hey,  did you remember what i said yesterday?" There was a long silence on the the other line. I could still hear Oliver's breath. I understand him if he doesn't want to answer.

"Sebastian. Let's talk about this."

"We already did, many times to be exact."

"No, come on buddy. Come home. Don't do this." I heard his voice cracked. I squeeze my eyes shut as a massage my forehead.

"I-i don't want to suffer anymore, oli. It hurts day by day." I mumbles, biting my lips to not let out my sob.

"We can still fix it. Just come home."

"I'm ready. I'm ready to see him." I hung up the call and took a deep breath. I search the pill that i bought secretly on the drawer of my car. You know, sometimes, it's better to end your suffering if you think you can't take it anymore.  Seven years are already enough and maybe it's time to see him. As soon as i found the pill, i took it from it's bottle and without hesitation, i took it. Will Ryan be happy if he see me? What would be his reaction? Will he be the first thing i see when i open my eyes? Hey Ryan, if you're here, please come out as much as possible. It scares me if i wake up alone, again. I could feel my body starts to shake. I couldn't breathe. I feel hot. I was supposedly crying and begging to stop the pain but in contrary, I'm smiling. There's nothing to be scared anymore. My eyelids starting to fall and that was the moment where my eyes shut completely, my breathing stopped and  my body froze. Finally i go t-

"You asshole. Piece of shit! There's so many ways to die but you fucking choose to kill yourself by taking a pill?" I kept my eyes shut, still confirming if I'm already dead.

"you look like a total idiot right now, Sebastian. Did you miss me that much that you ended up killing yourself? And also you're so fucking noisy everytime you visit my grave. The fuck do you want me to do? I'm sleeping and you're fucking waking me up with your cries and whines. And you asshole, you fucking dare to blame me for your suffering. I didn't want to die you shit! You think i wanted to get shot? You're being dramatic and you're so fucking ugly when you cry. Arghhh i can't believe you followed me here."

"I missed you." I whispered.

"I love you, too. Now, open your eyes and kiss me already." A smile plastered on my lips as i opened my eyes and grabbed his neck, slammed my lips to his.

If there's one thing i want, i want us to be together.