We're Not Crazy

Long Time Happiness

We were still on the road and it was dark out at this time.
Josi had fallen asleep with his head pressed against the window but the road was getting bumpy and I was scared he'd hurt himself if he hit the glass too hard. I gently took his head and let him lay on my shoulder while one hand kept it in place so he wouldn't bounce.

"I swear I can never tell which one of you is the caretaker." Rufus stated.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well...on one hand, he's real overprotective of you. You're not allowed to get a fuckin' scratch. Nobody's allowed to make you cry. Nobody's allowed to make you feel bad in any kinda way. But on the other hand, you're the same to him just gentler. He's physically overprotective. He make sure you hold his hand whenever you two go anywhere so he can keep you safe but you make sure he ain't hurt on the inside. You don't want him to remember his pain of his past. Or to feel it. You try your hardest to keep him happy at all costs. If he ain't have you, I'm sure he would'a snapped a while ago. You keepin' that boy away from the edge. You're like...his emotional support person. You're what keeps him together, if he got you, he too worried about protectin' you than harmin' himself. Can't nothin' happen to the both of you at that rate. You practically need each other to stay alive. It's codependent and that ain't okay all the time but you two been hurt so often you deserve the person you found in each other. It's about time you felt cared about. I understand your dependence."
I thought about it.
"And that makes it a good thing. Those other people lied about carin' about y'all. They tried to trick you into thinkin' they did everythin' for your safety, but...that wasn't true. You two are givin' each other the protection you wish someone gave you. Yea, you're a little strange but you got every right to be. You're figurin' shit out and you're helpin' each other do it and overcome whatever it was that broke you in the first place. You both got different ways of carin' for each other but you do it. And that's nice. I'm happy you found that in one another. You deserve it."

"Josiah deserves every ounce of happiness he can get." I stated. "He does. No one knows his story like I do and I'm as close as it gets to understanding his pain. He's been hurt enough and sad long enough and scared for too long. If I can't make him happy then I've failed and I'm just as bad as all of the people who've hurt him. And I don't want to be as bad as them. I want to be better for him than they were."
"Don't tell yourself that." Rufus instructed.
I looked at him. His eyes stared at the road.
"Those people were selfish and saw him as a plaything that they could use and abuse to make themselves happy. You've seen him as a person. A person who deserves joy. Just by that you're a hundred times better than them. If you ain't make him as happy as you wanted to, it's okay, sometimes it's just hard to please people. The point is that you tried. And you tried your ass off. Somethin' none of those other folks could say they even attempted to do. And what's better is, you don't need to try."
I was confused.
He looked at me for a second. "You are his source of happiness." He looked back at the road. "He gets true pride and joy when he looks at you. When you do somethin' by yourself. When you eat a bite of whatever. Even if it's the smallest thing like a grape. He ain't fakin' it. I can see it in his eyes that boy is ready to jump to the moon every time you take even the littlest bite a somethin'. You make him a whole lot happier than you think you do. He might suck at showin' it. Or tellin' you. But you make him real happy. Just you. Not your actions. You. As a person. If he could start over on this journey you two been on? He wouldn't ask for a different partner. He'd pick you every time. I'd bet my life on it."
I liked those words. They made me smile and my chest felt tight in a good way.

"I love him, Rufus." I stated.
"I know, darlin'."
"A lot. And...And I think he loves me too."
"I think so too."
My eyes felt like they were watering for some reason. "And...And I don't wanna leave him. Ever. If they find us, they'll separate us. I know they will and I don't want them to." I sniffed.
He just listened.
"I can't be without him. I know you're not supposed to think that way because it's bad for you and they used to tell me that me and my mama were codependent and being codependent is a bad thing but I can't help it with Josi. I went a really long time without being happy too, but he changed that. I get upset with him sometimes but every time I've been my happiest, it was because he was there. I need him. If he goes I might not be happy again because...he's all that my happiness is, you know?"
"Yea, I know."
"I need him to stay with me. I know I probably stress him out with my hallucinations or my nightmares or ignorance about outside and how everything works or what anything is but he stays by my side anyway. If they take over again and he's not there...who will help me? I can't do it. Not without him." I sniffed.
"You'll have him a long time, babygirl. I promise."
I sniffed again and nodded my head before wiping my tears with the back of my hand.
"A real long time."