Emotionless: Spock x Reader

I'm Breaking, Shattered, Tired

I had started to avoid everyone again, my doors remaining locked to both the lab and room. Kirk and Spock had both tried to enter several times, both knocking on the door but to nothing. I also hadn't slept in almost two weeks by this point. Even food was limited to about once or twice since the thought of it made me feel ill.

When I would open the door to my lab, there were always tasks left for me on the PAD's or things to sign off on. I ended up finishing several months of work in these two weeks. I am now at the point where my body is begging me to not only sleep but give it some kind of sustenance. I just don't care. Even with the lights on their lowest setting to try and help the growing headache, I didn't care.

Concentrating was also becoming increasingly difficult, and at one point I had almost dropped a beaker on the floor. Now, I was just sitting in my chair reading over some notes, my mind drifting to what Spock had said, Vulcan death grip. Yes, I know it had been a ruse to fool the Romulan commander, but I couldn't take it anymore. My vision blurred, not able to focus on the words typed out, so I just placed the PAD down.

For a moment, I thought I saw Kirk lying on the floor of my lab and Spock standing over him, much like they had been on Vulcan after Par fon. My breath hitched, before the vision became hazy and disappeared. Shaking my head, I just let my head rest against my knees. It took only twenty minutes before someone was buzzing at the door again.

I didn't even lift my head, didn't care who it was. The buzzing stopped, if only for a moment. The communicator was next. "(Y/n)... it's Spock. Please, just open the door. The Captain, McCoy, Scotty and I are worried about you." I didn't budge, this spot was safe. Here no one could die on me, or if they did I wouldn't know about it. It was better this way, it is better to be alone. Then I don't have to worry about anything but my work.

Focus... something I can do... just not right now. It's too hard to focus, I can hardly string two coherent thoughts together. Sleep... I need to sleep but I can't. If I do, the nightmares will come back. I would have to watch them die over and over, in every way I have seen their deaths again. Even in my sleep I couldn't escape it, how could I? The communicator went off again. "(Y/n), it's McCoy. I need to see you."

Hands over my ears, trying to drown out the sound. McCoy saying the man's dead... or Spock, you've killed him. He's dying, repeating over and over. I couldn't make it stop. "(Y/n), open the door. That's an order." Kirk, why did he have to be here? Why did he have to make that an order? Letting my hand fall, I pressed the door release button on my desk. I heard it slide open, my hand moving back to cover my ear. Three pairs of footfalls walked into my lab, one of them stopped by the door, one sped up, and the third stopped beside my desk.

I felt a hand touch my shoulder, but I just flinched away. "Are you okay?" I didn't reply. I couldn't answer that question either in truth or lie. Truth would be unavoidable, a lie I couldn't keep up. My mind was too foggy for it. So foggy, can't focus. PAD, there was work I needed to do in it. Lifting my head I reached for it... where was it? Where did I put it down?

Kirk lifted something just past my view, turning my gaze to it, I could just see my PAD. He seemed to be looking at it, over what was written. "What is this? Schematics? It doesn't make sense (Y/n). For you this is, this isn't anything legible." It was perfectly legible. What were the schematics for again... cloaking? Looking down, my brows furrowed in deep thought. I can't remember what I was working on anymore.

Again a hand tried reaching for me, but I pulled away. "(Y/n), have you slept? Eaten? Done anything other than work?" McCoy.... No, I'm fine they don't need to be here. They should just leave me alo- There it is again. In the corner... Spock's body growing older, he was dying. McCoy and Kirk too. Shutting my eyes, I shook my head, my hands burying themselves in my hair.