DEFIANT • kylo ren (18+)

09 - I'd like to look.

You shift around the bed for a little while after you wake from your nap. Everything hurts. Your ass hurts to lie on, your neck needs support, everything stings. Worst of all, you can't keep your brain from jumping over every interaction you've ever had with Ren.

You're trying to stay sleepy, but your overactive brain begs to be used. So, you give in, moving gently to your bed side table with a wince to retrieve the notebook you'd stolen from Ren's office.

You flip over the pages you'd spent your solitude drawing and writing over, landing on a fresh page. You start a new sketch.

As you scribble onto the page, you think about how you hate what you let happen earlier on. You admit that you wanted it, you needed it, that despite this inner hatred you've developed... you're utterly and completely drawn to him.

Sexually, he clicks into you, a piece of the puzzle you hadn't realised needed solving. You decide in the end that this thing with Kylo... it's just a separation of sex and emotion, that you can hate someone even though they... can do that to you.

Regardless, you don't want what happened earlier to ever happen again. It's too confusing, you shouldn't be so intimate with someone so despicable. Especially since he's left you bruised and aching all over. You can't even begin to imagine what LJ would think of you. Getting yourself to the other side of the bed hurts like a bitch.

Damn it.

You slip out of bed with a new-found determination, pulling on some socks and not caring that you're still wearing the clothes from earlier. After all, he's seen you in a way you never wanted him to see you. There's no going back now.

Getting out of bed was more painful than you thought it would be. Your joints are screaming, but your neck is the worst of all. It's a struggle to hold your own head up.

You stop by your mirror before you leave and almost gasp out loud in shock. A hand shaped bruise patterns your throat, a bold reminder of Kylo's clasp around you. Bite marks litter your body. Your fingers lift to touch the tender flesh. The pain can only be described as a pinch of nerves at each connection.

You turn your head to the side despite the ache, finding two bruises at the base of your jaw on each side. A darker bruise sits along your cheek bone. Before you realise what you're feeling, a tear escapes your eye and runs over your blushed cheek. You blink it away.

You stare, wide eyed at the finger shaped bruises that pattern your thighs. Lifting your underwear, your lip wobbles at the sight of more along your hip. You assume your other hip will look the same. You remember it hurting, but the pleasure of Kylo touching you there drowned it out. It's like he's incapable of passion without hurting you. Sometimes you like it. You hate that you like it. But you're finding yourself feeling incredibly used, an object for Kylo to toss around.

You had been thrown around by him before, but you were a prisoner. You didn't have sex with him. You could seethe and hate. Now, you blame yourself. You've practically asked for him to keep doing this. You knew he had this control over you, keeping you hostage here as the Commander of the First Order... you expected him to be rougher if anything. Yet, you still let him fuck you. You willed it. Begged for it as you showered, imagining him in there with you.

The hallway is cold, as usual, and you wish you'd stopped to put on sweatpants. It's too late now. You're standing, fidgeting, by his door. Your head throbs, and your legs feel like jelly but you're not sure if it's because of what happened earlier, or because you're so nervous. The stinging remnants on your ass and hurting ache spreading over your body keep you aware you of your mistake, spurring you on to finally knock on his door.