DEFIANT • kylo ren (18+)

34 - You cannot keep this.

Kylo kisses the tears from your cheeks, as you collapse into his chest, your weight falling into his arms. You do not know how long you have stood together, your minds wrapped in each others, indivisible contortions of two contrasting powers. Lava and ice clashing and merging and forming something new. It is both exhausting and overwhelmingly energising, and when it finally calms, Kylo begins to wash you.

"Shh," Kylo mumbles, his lips against your forehead. You hadn't realised how hard you were crying. His hands are in your hair. Shampooing. Washing. Firm and soft all at once. A sob escapes you when you can't hold it in, planting your head into the crook of his neck. You yearn to just refuse to face the world and your reality.

You cannot stand what is out there. Who Kylo Ren is. What he stands for. What you are supposed to stand for.

But your heart feels like it's embracing his. Your minds feel like they're holding each other from falling past an indiscernible edge.

Most terrifyingly, you have solid proof that Kylo Ren is not the heartless monster you once thought him to be. He rarely opens up to you, but when he does, the strain on his judgment and his sense can be felt in the Force.

It is so odd to see him vulnerable when he appears to be this invinsible machine of a man, so stoic and strong. You can feel, underneath layers of falsehoods and thick walls, he's upset. And confused. He is lost, just as you have been.

It is as if you are feeling his feelings all at once, right now, for every week you have known each other, every month. Every time you had sex. Every time he'd hit you, or left you. Each time he'd been berated by Snoke to work you harder, beat you harder, to encourage hate and rage. Each stressor of the job. Shouting at Hux and officers and anyone who dares disagree. Clambering for control. Scratching at a door that will never open. Begging for something unknown that is promised to give him everything he has ever wished for. The ideal of security and hope and power hanging like gold above his face, in Snoke's hands, swinging back and forth like a hypnotic medallion. Every one of his flaring rages. His regret and his passion. His absolute assurance in you, as your Master, that you will do better. Better than him.

This is special. How could this exist in a world that feels so mortal?

"Pet, you have to stop crying." His quiet, gentle voice hums. You hug his naked body harder, crying softer, to breathe for a moment in between sobs.

"I can't," your lip wobbles, struggling to hold everything together. You feel at home, yet so lost, you wouldn't know north if you were staring at a compass.

"I don't... have time for this."

Your voice breaks when you mutter, "what?" failing to appear strong.

"You need to calm down." He sounds so put together, stable and sure, while you fall apart beneath him.

You push him away as your anger appears, stepping out of the water, your heart dropping when he releases you. Your eyes feel puffy and embarrassment is setting in - you cover your chest with your arms, feeling hot at the base of your neck. You thought this meant that he cared as much as you've been pretending not to.

You have to fight the tears from escaping any further. "How are you just... okay after that? Do you not... Do you not feel the same about-" You want to say me. "This?"

Kylo's mouth parts like he is about to speak, but it is closed again too soon, and he looks away from you instead, frowning.

You harden your face, intolerant to his lack of communication, after he had been doing so well and seemingly given up. "Are you so emotionally unattached that you cannot even admit it?"