Filthy American [Theodore Nott]

Chapter 40 - The Library (again)

It was around 6:45 when Diana sat down in the library. The table she chose was in the middle of the center aisle. Anyone who came in or out of the library would see her. She doubted Theo was there yet.

Diana took out her homework and started working on the essay Professor Snape had assigned them. Every time she heard footsteps approach the table she ignored them and refused to look up. It was until around 7:15 when someone forced her to look at them.

Theo had noisily pulled out the chair across from her and sat down. Diana took a deep breath and put down her quill before looking up from her work.

She studied his face and for the first time this term allowed herself to take in every detail. His hair had gotten a little lighter from the summer sun and was longer as well. His shoulders were broader and even when he was sitting down Diana could tell her had gotten taller. His face was less round, showing a sharper jaw. The only thing that was the same was his eyes. They were still brown and still soft except they looked sad. He looked older, more mature.

She waited for him to talk first.

Several moments passed and they just looked at each other. Diana concentrated very hard on not showing any emotion. Her training with Tonks this summer paid off as her hair didn't get lighter or redder. She felt her eyes starting to tear up and focussed on keeping her eyes not bloodshot. Much to her relief no tears spilled out.

Just sitting at looking at Theo brought back feelings. Some good, some bad. The longer she looked at him the stronger the feelings became and she felt the weight of it all getting heavier and heavier. Her cheeks flinched and after several moments of this she looked back down at he essay before her and continued to work.

A few minutes passed. Theo had taken out his work as well, but when Diana looked up he was just looking at her. Sick of it, Diana raised her eyebrows and put up her hands as if to say 'well?' Theo looked away like he had been caught and Diana laughed out loud.

It was a genuine laugh; one that was hard to comeby these days. It was just so stupid. Here she was, at the library where Theo asked to meet her to talk and he was sitting in front of her for minutes watching her like a stalker. The place where they first started out and he turned into someone who use to hold her and make her laugh; someone who use to sit by her bedside when she was sick; someone who she thought she might have really loved, but now he was acting like a total stranger.

Theo was taken aback by her laugh.

"Well if you have something to say, just say it." said Diana finally.

"I- I just wanted to see how you were," Theo said after clearing his throat. His voice had also gotten deeper.

Diana let out a sad laugh and shook her head, "Well you saw me this morning in potions and then this afternoon in Ancient Runes, and I'm sure that big brain of yours can figure out I'm not doing that well."

"I'm-"

"Oh no I'm not done," Diana was getting riled up now, "My parents are out 'running errands' for Dumbledore and I haven't heard from them in a week and no one will tell me where they are! One of my best friends is a being called a pariah and a supposed liar - which we both know is not true - Quidditch tryouts are coming up and of course I want nothing more than to be on the team, except of course that's not true! I want nothing more for my life to be fucking normal! I want to be in the United States with my parents away from all of this bullshit. On top of this pile of dog shit we have OWLs this year and you know what, I might be able to put up with all this garbage if it weren't for you, Theo. Because I have to go to class and see you. I can't eat a damn meal without seeing you. It maybe it would be okay except every time I see you I remember how fucked up this is and how I could've loved you. And then I get pissed because I remember how you told everyone you dumped me. And I get hurt because I see how you let Green-ass hold onto your arm and hang on to your every word and it's only been one fucking day." Diana was almost yelling, but caught herself and let out a disgruntled sigh.

"Well not that you care, I'm not doing great either. I'm sorry I told everyone I dumped you, but I know you understand why I did." Diana made a face and he continued, "What was I suppose to tell everyone? That you had an inkling that the dark lord might return? That you had told me if he did we would be done? How am I suppose to explain that to my friends? Daphne is a distraction because it took me weeks to finally experience a day where I didn't think of you, but of course you were in my dreams every fucking night. Don't act like this is my fault, this is on you. But guess what? I am actually okay. You fucked me up, but I fixed myself and if that means I had to play nice with who you think are the bad guys then so be it. I don't do anything for you anymore. Maybe I was born into a crazy fucking society because I was meant to be a part of it."

"You don't mean that." Diana said quietly.

"And what if I do? You have no influence in my life anymore, it doesn't matter what you think."

"Whatever." Diana rolled her eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me."

Diana scoffed at him, "You were always the sweet one, but since it doesn't matter what I think I'll just go." She started packing up her stuff to head back to the common room. "Do you remember what I said to you?" She said to Theo while putting her bag over her shoulder.

"You've always been chatty."

Diana sighed, "I told you not to let them change you, but like you said, it doesn't matter what I think." She left the library, wiping tears from her eyes.

===

Theo watched Diana leave the library as what just happened replayed in his head. The whole reason he asked to talk to her was to reach an agreement about being civil in class, but obviously things did not go according to plan.

He had been late to the library and was worried she would've showed up and left, but he found her at the same table they always sat at last year. He sat down and they just looked at each other.

Her hair was dirty blonde, her normal color, and it wasn't red, so she wasn't mad. She looked like she had lost some weight, probably from stress, and her mouth was resting in a frown. Some freckles littered her face which Theo assumed was from practicing for Quidditch tryouts outside. She looked beautiful without trying and without changing anything about her.

She gave a genuine laugh when he broke her gaze and Theo thought everything might be okay after all. He asked her how she was and she was not well, which she made very clear to him. He got angrier and angrier the longer she talked. Her voice was rising as she spoke. Some of the things she said hurt him and he decided there was nothing else to do, but return the favor. He knew she didn't do it intentionally, but he did. He didn't feel bad either. And as he spoke he realized, even though it may have been terrible, some of it was true. It was her fault. She was the one who threw in the towel.

When the dust had settled she was leaving the library wiping her tears.

Theo felt a twinge of guilt, but ultimately decided it didn't matter.