DESIDERIUM

ten

After the panic attack, all I wanted was to go to bed and sleep. Sleep seems to be the only escape I get nowadays. But maybe I'm dramatic, maybe I'm overexaggerating and things aren't as bad and I make them bad but maybe I'm not and this is as bad as it makes me feel, maybe I should even go see someone, maybe, maybe, maybe.

My life is just a big fat maybe right now.

I can still feel all the people's stares the moment I stepped out of the woods all over my skin and it makes me shiver.

There were too many people when the panic started settling in, and a ton of them must've seen what happened.

That honestly made it ten times worse.

But they were gone after. Adrian probably sent them away, which I'm grateful for.

All I want to do right now is forget, just forget I fucking exist but my skin feels like it's on fire and I can't stop thinking about what the people are probably saying by now and what my mates think and if Tristan is mad at me because I send him out of the room earlier and who that small redhead was and-

A knock on the door makes me snap out of it and for once I'm grateful for it.

"Rafael?" Levi, but I know Adrians with him. I could hear them talking outside my door, not loud enough for me to decipher what they were saying but loud enough for me to know they were there.

I don't answer with words, just give a small hum, telling him I heard him.

I'm not facing the door, so I can't see them but I know I must look ridiculous to them, hiding in all the blankets and pillows, lights out and windows wide open because it's raining and rain is the only good thing about today so far.

Rain always manages to calm me down.

I know they're in the room, but no one really knows what to say.

They probably think I'm fucking crazy.

"You must think I'm crazy," I blurt, without really meaning to, as I think of the last few days, the last two in particular.

"Completely ridiculous," I mumble to myself and push the comforter away to sit up.

My hair is standing in all the different directions and by the way, Levi's mouth twitches the tiniest bit I know I look stupid.

And even tho the corners of his mouth lift slightly, there's not a single happy or joyful emotion on his face. The same goes for Adrian, but at least that's none out of the usual.

Seeing Levi so dejected and joyless makes my heart ache a little.

He's always been the happiest out of us three. But things change. Two years can change a lot.

"We don't think you're crazy," Adrian starts and by the serious tone he's using, I can tell this is gonna be a very uncomfortable conversation.

"We just want to..." Levi starts and locks eyes with me, which makes him shut up for a second and then shake his head.

"Of course you're not okay," he mumbles and takes a step closer to me, to the bed.

"When.... when did the panic attacks come back?" he asks almost timidly, his voice just a small whisper.

Adrian can probably tell what he's feeling, since he takes a step towards his mate and puts a hand on his back.

I follow the movement with my eyes unknowingly but once I realize that they caught me I look somewhere else, embarrassed.

I thank the moon goddess every day for the fact that I don't blush easily.

"Rafael?" Adrians asks, and I remember that I got asked a question. A stupid one at that but whatever.

"You get three guesses," I say, giving them a sarcastic grin.

Stupid question, stupid answer.

As a kid I used to have panic attacks frequently, until we, me, Adrian and Levi, started to work on them.

How to control them, how to make them less frequent, less intense and long.

Until the incident, I actually managed to get it down to one panic attack every two months, which was huge for me then.

Mostly it was thanks to Adrian and Levi, since they always had that stupid calming effect on me.

But it's also thanks to them that they came back.

"The day you..." Levi doesn't finish his sentence and I just nod, too tired to say anything.

It's probably unfair to blame them for it. It's me who had to fuck everything up, not them.

They didn't paralyze a person.

If I had myself and mostly my wolf more under control all of this wouldn't have happened.

Then again, shouldn't they have noticed something was going on in my home life? That I was being... abused? Or is it me who should've reached out, for help? But not even the former Luna nor Alpha could tell, so why should they have noticed anything?

I don't know.

I really don't know.

There's so many what if's and so many things that could and should've been different and so many questions without answers and it's... it gets too much.

That's why I don't to think about it like... ever.

And now I had to come back here because of these stupid rogues and all I have to do is think about it because everything here reminds me of it.

"Fuck," I groan, bringing my hands up to my face.

"We... we didn't know," Levi speaks up and his voice sounds small and wobbly and I think I just want to... to fucking sleep for a really long time.

"How could you have known?" I ask, shaking my head a little.

"Hoe could you have known," I whisper and lay back down, putting the comforter over my head.

"Rafael..." Adrian says, and I let out a small hum.

He hesitates and the sighs, "Sleep well."

That's definitely not what he wanted to say.

"You too."

And they leave. Like they do every time.

Can I blame them?