DESIDERIUM

forty

"I don't- fuck..." I whisper, my elbows on my knees, pulling at my hair as if that would give me some fucking answer on how to approach this.

How do you tell someone, someone you tried so hard to hide it from, that you were abused by a supposed family member for years? And that they didn't notice because you didn't want them to notice or know?

All I basically ever did was try to hide it from them, so as not to give them another reason to see me as the broken and abused little kid. 

They were the only ones that never saw me as such. They never treated me like some fragile little porcelain doll, the way everyone else always did. Afraid to even talk to me, because what would they say to a kid that was kept hostage and was tortured by rogues? The pack never saw me as anything but. 

Never saw me as just a child that wanted nothing more than forget and move on and live a normal fucking life. 

I eventually did forget, was eventually able to live a somewhat normal life, thanks to no one else but Adrian and Levi. And maybe Adrian's parents. 

And all that was taken from me by the one person I thought to be my family. 

"You don't have to tell us, Rafael, we don't want to force you to open up to us," Levi's voice brings me out of my thoughts, and even if his words are sincere, I can practically see all the questions swarming around his mind.  

Just the way I can see Adrian's wheels turning, working out possible explanations as to why a kid wouldn't want to stay with their parents anymore.

"Sit down," I tell them, motioning towards the bed, while I stand up, not able to sit calmly any longer. 

"Sit down," I repeat myself, when none of them are moving, my voice a lot more urgent and grave than it was before, and while Levi scrambles to actually sit down, Adrian takes his time, watching me closely.

When he does sit down, his jaw is clenched so hard and his hands are balled into fists so tight I know it must hurt, but I don't comment on it, knowing that it's his way of keeping calm. 

Instead, I shut my eyes, breathing in through my nose deeply, wondering why it feels like everything in my life just led up to this moment. Hating that it feels that way because what happened to me doesn't fucking define me.

It doesn't, I desperately try to tell myself, and a shuddered breath leaves my mouth, but I somehow keep calm nonetheless.

Fuck knows how. Probably my wolf. Or Tristan's presence. 

I feel bad for keeping him here, but I don't think I'd be able to do this without him. And he knows so too because otherwise, he would've left already. 

"I'm telling you this for no other reason, than the one, that Alpha Cedric would eventually tell you. And this is my... fucking thing... my stupid story to tell," I start, slowly looking out the window, but soon averting my gaze towards them, my expression grim.

"I don't want your pity. Pity towards me, self-pity. No pity whatsoever. I don't want your compassion. I don't want anything from you. I tell you this, and nothing fucking changes, okay?"

My voice doesn't break, but I have to blink a few times to stop my eyes from filling up, hating the way I'm getting so worked up over this.

"Okay?" I ask again, this time more urgent, and I can see the way Levi tries to hold in his tears already, and Adrian's jaw seems to clench even more, which should be impossible, but it does.

"Yes, okay," Adrian utters, and Levi nods, but also mumbles a small yes after I give him a hard glare.

"Promise me," I demand, even though I know my demand is useless because I know that this is just wishful thinking.

Something's gonna change. The only thing constant in life is change. Something I have such a hard time accepting.

"I promise," Levi whispers and Adrian follows his words, his voice rough.

So this is it?

"Uncle Jay... he..." I breathe, not knowing how to get the words out. Abused me (physically and mentally)? Hit me on occasion (almost every day)? Left marks on my body (but the true wounds he left weren't and still aren't visible)?

Just when my mouth opens, whatever words finally ready to spill out, a scream cuts through the silence of the room like a blade.

All of our heads turn to the window of the room as if in slow motion, and for a moment none of us move, but then there's a second scream, louder and much clearer, and all of us seem to have the same realization all at once.

We're being attacked.

"Rafael-" Adrian starts, something in his voice cutting right through my heart, and I know that he needs to hear what I have to say next, but chaos erupts almost as soon as that second scream fades out.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, and I can see the moment when his fears about whatever happened to Anna, to me, are proved to be true, can see the moment his heart breaks.

I can feel it through our mate bond, and if I can feel it so strongly, I don't want to know what he's actually feeling.

"We need to get out there," Tristan voices, his hand on my shoulder, and I nod, but can't take my eyes away from Adrian.

"Adrian, come on," Levi tries, his voice wobbly and unsure, and I know that he has to feel his mate's emotions even stronger. Their bond is complete after all. 

But Levi doesn't come to conclusions as easily, and right now I'm glad about it because the pack needs their Beta right now. But most importantly they need their Alpha.

"Adrian," I whisper, stepping towards him, to take his face in my hands, pressing our foreheads together tightly, "your pack needs you."

His eyes, so heartbroken, so devastated, bore right into mine, and for a moment I believe I can't stand the sight of it, that I need to close my eyes.

The burden that Levi still doesn't know, laying just as hard on my shoulders.

But then there's another scream, this time much closer, and I know that we need to go out there.

"I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago," I murmur, my thumbs wiping up and down his cheeks, when tears start falling from his eyes, "you'll never forgive yourself if you leave your people out there."

Levi calls my name, his voice urgent but I just keep looking into my other mates' eyes, hoping he catches the sincerity of my words. 

The truth of them leaves me breathless for a second, and a tear does leave my eye. 

And that's what suddenly gets him to move. A shuddered breath leaves his mouth, and before he really does part from me, he presses his mouth to my cheek, where the tear is slowly rolling down, lingering there, whispering three small words.

And my heart breaks a little for all three of us because somehow, this feels like the end. 

huh. I'm not sure if I like the outcome of this chapter. anyways...