DESIDERIUM

forty two

"It's quite simple," he starts, his gaze pleased, knowing that I have figured him out already, but not letting it show by anything, I just know he is. 

Because I once knew him. 

"I lost something dear to me once," he explains, his voice dropping a little, "and I want it back."

"You're quite lucky in that aspect, I suppose," he sighs, "if it weren't for... the missing thing, not a lot of you would really survive this day." 

"Just fucking spit it out already!" screams a man, who clutches a crying woman to his chest, covering a nasty wound on her abdomen with his hand. 

Voices of agreement echo through the field, the rogues growling as a reaction to it. Adam's gaze darkens, not happy the way he got interrupted, his gaze settling on the man who just spoke up.

"Anything, please," said man now begs, the desperation clear in his voice.

"I suppose it won't be hard for you," Adams begins again, something as close to pity in his voice, "considering said thing doesn't even belong to this pack." 

My mouth dries at his choice of words, and I have to swallow down the lump in my throat. 

When Adam's gaze settles on me again, an unbearable silence settles on the field. 

"No!" a voice cuts through the air, and it's Tristan who has shifted back into his human form, trying to make his way over to me, but before he can really get to me, he's being held back by two men. 

"Let me fucking go!" he hisses, dangerously low, but he can't get free, and my eyes zero in on the wound on his chest. 

"Tristan," I breathe in disbelief, standing up from my spot, peeling the boy in my arms away from me, harsher than intended, when he doesn't budge at first.

"No!" the kid wails, stumbling after me, when I try to get to Tristan, but I don't really pay him any mind. Someone stops the kid from running after me, and I desperately hope it's his parents. Judging by his cries, they aren't. 

"Rafael," Adam's voice cuts through the air, but I don't stop, just wanting to free the only person I have left from the hold of these rogues.

"Step any closer, and they will inject him with poison," his words stop me dead in my tracks, and I turn to him, my eyes wide, anger and desperation clawing at my chest, desperate to be let out.

"Adam, please," I can't help the plead that escapes my mouth, and loud gasps and murmurs erupt from the people around me. 

But he doesn't pay me any mind, instead, his eyes turn towards none other than my mates. While Adrian's wolf doesn't let Adam out of his sight, Levi's eyes find mine, and I swallow at the raw confusion in his eyes, can see the questions burning in his mind. 

Why do I know the name of the man who shot him? Why do I know the name of the man who just brutally attacked his pack? 

"I'm sure some of you have figured out by now, what it is that I want," Adam smiles comically, and the most vicious growl that turns into snarling erupts around the field, and I can see the moment Adrian wants to pounce on the man only a few feet away from him. 

"Adrian, don't," I warn him immediately, taking one last glance at Tristan, before slowly walking in the Alpha's direction. 

"No, Rafael!" Tristan's voice is desperate, and I have to swallow hard to suppress the dry sob that wants to leave my mouth. 

Why is this happening? 

Levi's wolf howls, and before I can step any closer to the hunters, his wolf is stopping me from getting any further, at the same time as Adrian shifts back into his human form.

And suddenly Tristan is at my side too, at least, his wolf is, and I can hear pained grunts and whimpers from where he just came from. His wolf doesn't even acknowledge the wound that's still adoring his skin, and soon I'm bordered by two giant wolfs. 

"Ah, so you do want to talk then," Adam sounds delighted, and watches my mate when there's a pair of shorts thrown his way. His eyes lock with mine for a moment, and the determination and certainty in his eyes break my heart because I know that in the end, I'll go with Adam. 

I'm not going to be responsible for all these people's deaths. 

"He won't go with you."

A statement so simple but said with such certainty, I almost believe it myself. 

But soon cries of protest echo around the field, some confused, some angry, because why would their Alpha put them in such danger, such risk, for someone that once attacked a member of their pack just as brutally as Adam and his followers did just now?

Adam's eyes lock with mine, and while there is a shine of pity in them, everything else about them just screams, see, I told you so. 

This is not your home, this isn't your people. You're a monster to them. No one wants you here. Because you don't belong here.  

My wolf whimpers in my head, and only when I feel Levi's and Tristan's wolves moving closer to me do I notice the noninjured pack wolves moving in on us, and I can't help but think all the words in my head as true. 

I don't belong here. I never did. 

Maybe, just maybe, I belong to Adrian and Levi, but not to the pack, never to their people. And even though I knew, the disappointment doesn't settle on my chest any lighter, now that I'm reminded of it again.

Maybe Adrian, Levi, and I could've been fine. Just the three of us. But reality has caught up with me again, and somehow, I always knew that this was how it would end. 

I didn't know of Adam, or the hunters and the rogues, and their planned attack, but I always knew that in one way or another, the three of us wojld end in tragedy.

That's just what it is, my life. One big tragedy. 

"Everyone step back right now," Adrian warns, his voice a dangerous edge to it, "or there will be consequences for each and every one of you."

"How? If half of us are gonna be dead!" a woman screams at him, and she's not the only one throwing around such words. 

"None of you will die. Your beta is proof of that," Adrian tires to explains, but the people won't even hear him, their eyes and minds fixated on me. 

"I said stop!" Adrian bellows when one wolf tries to catch me by the arm, Levi blocking him the last second, and I can tell Adrian's resolve starts breaking, panic slowly visible on his face. 

"We won't let half of our people die, Alpha," an old man beside an injured woman rasps, and I recognize him as one of the elders. 

"Adrian it's fine," I murmur, trying to step away from Levi, but he doesn't let me, and instead growls at the people around us. His people, the people he should be protecting.

"Nothing is fine," Adrian snaps, and the fire behind his words surprises me, but what surprises me even more is the desperation in his voice when he turns to Adam, "please, I'll give you anything. Just don't... don't take our other half from us."

"I'm afraid there's nothing else I want," the lightness from Adam's earlier words has disappeared, something grave and earnest about him now.

"No more people should die today."

Something about the fact actually spoken out loud, the realization that people have lost their lives today already, rattles me awake. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper into the silence, my gaze finding Adrian's one last time before my wolf takes over. 

poor babies.