DESIDERIUM

thirty two

We ended up watching bridge to terabithia because neither Adrian nor I can resist Levi's puppy dog eyes. The same eyes that were bloodshot from crying by the end of the movie.

Adrian just rolled his eyes t his antics, and I did something neither me nor my wolf did expect from me.

I took his hand.

Big deal, right? Yes!

I'm still freaking out about it now that's it the next day and I've slept over it alone in my room.

But his smile, in the end, was worth it. And even Adrian seemed happy about my rather bold move. And a little jealous.

Now it's eleven a.m. and they left the house half an hour ago because they had to call all the packs and inform them about the shit that has been happening.

They even asked me to join them, but I'm not really in the mood for any human interactions. And according to Levi, Tristan wanted to come today.

I don't want to say I'm dreading it, I mean, it's Tristan, but I'm certainly not anticipating him.

But he doesn't show up. Not at 12 a.m., not at 1 p.m., not at 2 p.m. and he doesn't show up at 8 p.m., when Levi and Adrian come back home, either.

And even if I'm mad, or more so just hurt, I'm still worried shitless.

"Rafael?" Levi calls out my name, and I tell him I'm in the living room.

"What's wrong?" he asks, the second he sees my concerned frown, walking up to me, to put a hand on my shoulder.

"It's just... have you seen Tristan? He hasn't shown up yet," I explain, and Levi eyebrows furrow in confusion, "He said he'd come around 2 p.m."

Hearing that, my concern increases tenfold immediately, because Tristan has never been this late before. If he did come late when we were living together in the hut, he always called me beforehand, telling me so, because he knows how worried I can get. 

Adrian opens his mouth to retort something, but he doesn't because he gets interrupted by his phone ringing. 

"Excuse me," he mutters, looking at the caller I.D., leaving the room with one last look at me.

By now my heart is beating too loudly, and I have to swallow harshly, feeling sick all of a sudden.

"Come on Rafael, breathe with me," Levi murmurs softly when he realizes that I'm starting to panic, but I don't react immediately. So, he puts his other hand on my shoulder to squeeze them lightly and locks his eyes with mine.

"Breathe," he repeats again, with him starting to take deep breaths too, and almost automatically I start mimicking him, staring into his green eyes, once again noting all the dark spots in them.

Just when Levi is about to say something else, Adrian walks back into the room, his brows furrowed in a way that means he's unhappy with something.

"My father... he wants to speak to you. Tristan is with him," he announces, and almost immediately my shoulders want to sag with relief, but then the words seem to register.

"Alpha Ced... I mean, uh, Cedric wants to speak to me?" I ask, my voice giving away the confusion and anxiety I feel, and Adrian nods.

"But... he's alright. Tristan, I mean," I make sure, to which Adrian's look softens and he nods again, this time walking towards me and Levi, to take Levi's hand and squeeze my arm.

"He's fine."

*

When I enter Cedric's house on my own, I'm a nervous wreck.

Why would he want to talk to me without Alpha and Levi, the Alpha and Luna of the pack? Or Beta, still haven't that figured out.

When I enter the kitchen, Tristan is just standing there, looking at Cedric, not even acknowledging me, and that just pisses me off even more than I already am.

He left me worrying the whole day and now he won't even look at me?

If it weren't for Cedric looking as disheveled as he did, I would probably snap at Tristan, but something in his eyes stops me from doing so.

"Rafael," he utters the words with such a tender voice, something inside my chest constricts, reminding me of the times when I was still a scared, abused little kid, who would only talk to Cedric because I didn't anyone else.

"What's going on?" I ask confused, and when Tristan meets my gaze, there's just one emotion displayed on his face: guilt.

My stomach drops at the thought that crosses my mind almost immediately. He told him. He told Cedric about Jay.

"You didn't," I shake my head, desperately hoping that it's not true. That he didn't tell him about my abuse, didn't break my trust, and quite frankly, he didn't break my heart.

"Why didn't you tell me, son?" Cedric asks, a strain to his voice, and his eyes so full of sorrow and remorse, I can't even look at him.

"Tell me you didn't fucking tell him," I hiss at Tristan instead, but there's no fire behind my words. More so the opposite, because I feel like I can't breathe, like I'm under water, sinking deeper and deeper, without knowing how to swim back up.

"No, he... he figured it out when he followed me to your un- to Jay's house," he explains, but the words don't really register in my brain.

There's just an echo of the same two words again and again.

He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows.

"I don't even know to express how deeply sorry I am, Rafael," Cedric tries to walk towards me, but I flinch away from him, my whole body feeling like it's on fire, but that's not true, because I feel like I'm just being pulled deeper and deeper into the pit of an endless sea.

"Rafael," Cedric whispers, and before I know it, his arms wrap around me in one of his embraces that capitulate me back in time. I don't remember the last time he hugged me like this.

In his arms I feel like the same scared, abused little kid from ten years ago, when the only one I would even remotely communicate with was Cedric.

And there's this stupid familiar feeling of safety that creeps up in my body, and even my wolf whines softly in my head.

At first I don't do anything, I don't even breath, but then the anger settles in, and I try to push him
away, but he doesn't let me.

He just whispering words to me, keeps his arms around me, and I start to feel like he's to one that needs this more than I do.

"I don't need your pity," I whisper pathetically, my chest still so fucking tight, but for some reason, getting looser with each second that passes.

And I hate it.

Because I don't need someone else to make me feel better about my situation. I've accepted it a long time ago. I don't need someone else to take the things I've been through and make it their problem.

It's my problem. My problem that I've been dealing with alone for years.

I don't need someone to care about it now.

Maybe I did when I was ten or eleven, when the abuse started, maybe I needed someone when I was fourteen, and the abuse had gotten to a point where I thought I was going to give up, or maybe I needed someone when my wolf was so angry, that he paralyzed someone.

But not anymore.

It's too late now.

so... someone else knows.