DESIDERIUM

twenty eight

Even though I'm so incredibly tired, I can't fall asleep. I've been tossing and turning in my bed for hours, I've turned the pillow and blanket over ten times, I've gone to the bathroom three times, I've had a whole glass of cold water but I just can't fall asleep.

That's why I slip out of bed at one a.m., merely putting a sweater over my pyjamas, and I'm off.

I wander around the woods mindlessly, listening to all the sounds of the night, my wolf content at being outside in the forest, surrounded by his favorite scenery.

I try not to think about anything in particular, especially not the all the stuff that happened in the last few days, but my mind starts replaying pictures of my uncle in the hospital, of the kiss me and Levi shared, of Adrian crying right before my eyes, of Tristan sitting beside my bed, pretending to read even if he hates reading, just to look out for me.

It's a lot. Like a lot lot, and my wolf whines softly in my head when he feels my anxiety spiking up again.

I wish I could just forget everything. Forget my own existence. It's pathetic how often I wish for that.

My wishes never come true anyway, so why do I keep hoping for it? I didn't think I was still capable of hope. 

Maybe some little, tiny piece inside of me has some hope left. The moon goddess knows why. 

"So you forgave them?" a voice asks behind me, and I startle so hard, I stumble over a root, falling face first into the mud, if it weren't for cold hands steadying me almost immediately.

"Careful, Rafael," I'd be lying if that voice just didn't send chills down my spine. 

"You- I... what?" I ask once I turn around and come to look into the face of the man who seems to be haunting my dreams lately. Those dark eyes. 

A barely there smile tugs at his lips, and I stare at it for longer than intended, clearing my throat awkwardly when I realize what I'm doing. 

He just seems... different in the moonlight.

"I wish I could say I'm surprised... but I don't think anything can surprise me anymore," I sigh, because it's true, at least not after seeing Ray again. 

With the light illuminating his face he just looks... nicer, maybe? His dark hair and dark eyes don't look so dark anymore. At least not a scray dark, they just seem... softer. 

Soft... is there anything soft about a man that shot my mate, that shot five other wolves and that fucking shot me? Fucking hell, he did shoot me! Why did I almost forget that?

There's something seriously wrong with me. Almost forgetting he shot me? And calling that man soft now? 

But the sight of him, standing there in front of me, in the forest, in the middle of the night, just... seems so familiar somehow. 

"You forgave them," he repeats himself, and this time it doesn't sound like a question anymore, something dark crossing his face at the mention of my mates. 

"I didn't forgive them," I retort, offended, and quite frankly just pissed off now. Why does he act like he knows anything? Like he knows what the fuck I had to go through?

"Just fuck off, will you? How the fuck did you even manage to sneak into pack land without getting caught... why am I even talking to you?" the last part is more addressed to myself, than to him, and when I turn around to walk away from him, he simply follows me. 

"Seriously, this is getting kinda creepy. Scratch that. This is creepy. Has been from the very day you fucking shot me!"

"You shot me!" I emphasize, stopping suddenly, gesturing around wildly with my arms, and even my wolf growls a little, clearly not happy with the man standing next to me. 

Although he doesn't seem much older than me. Only by a few years. Twenty-two maybe?

"That had to be done," he states, calm as ever, but I can see his jaw clench at the mention of it and again I can't help but think, that I know this guy. I know those eyes, I know I do. From when they were still filled with something different than this.. crazed look.  

"This whole situation is absurd. Crazy, even. Just tell me who you are, I know you from somewhere, I just... I don't remember."

"I want you to remember it by yourself," he says, and the way he does, it almost sounds more like a confession.

"Well, I don't fucking remember anything from when I was younger, so good luck with that!" I snap, upset about the fact, because I just... I just want to remember her. 

I don't want to remember my life before becoming a rogue, I don't want to remember my life as a rouge, I don't want to remember my life being captured and tortured by hunters, I don't want to remember what happened the day I got rescued from Alpha Cedric's pack, I don't want to remember any of that... I just want to remember my mother. 

The only family I ever had, I ever knew. 

Because now that I know Ray isn't my actual uncle I feel more alone than ever. At least before that revelation I thought someone was obliged to take care of me, was somehow tied to me, however, fucked up the relationship was... now there's no one left. 

No family, nothing. 

It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't make sense. But I just feel like there's nothing tying me to this life anymore.

My wolf whines softly in my head, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

I blink slowly, only now realizing how close the hunter and I are standing. Again. Just like the last time, by the lake. 

"What are those tears for, little wolf?" he hums quietly, his thumb swiping across my cheek just as softly as he did the last time.

A sudden image comes to my mind at the nickname, a little black-haired boy sitting in front of a cage holding out a piece of bread in his hand, through the bars, his black eyes soft, his smile friendly.

This time, when I look up into those dark eyes of the man who's wiped away my tears twice already, I recognize the same boy in them. 

And when he sees that I do, he gives me the same smile he gave me that day, holding out a piece of bread for me, when I was still a child, caged and chained to a wall, so scared, so confused, so alone, but there was this boy, this little boy, that came back every day. Gave bread to me every day. Gave me his kind smile every day. Until one day, he gave me his name. 

"Adam," I whisper, and if it's possible, the smile he gives me, that Adam gives me, seems even softer than it did when we were kids. 

this doesn't make any fucking sense, does it? anyway... what do we think?