DESIDERIUM

thirty

"It's... I don't know how much I've told you about my childhood. Or rather: I couldn't tell you much about it, because I didn't really remember it."

Tristan nods, his sole attention on me, and once again I'm pleasantly surprised at how seen and heard he makes me feel by just being here.

"I was imprisoned by hunters. Me and my mum. I don't know for how long, or why, or anything really... it's just, lately, I've started having these strange dreams, that really don't feel like dreams but more like... memories."

I stop for a moment, not sure how to continue this. My story. No wonder I'm so fucked up when my childhood looked like that.

Tristan's eyes have darkened considerably, and I know he's probably heard about the story before, about the rogue kid that was found in the woods, hurting and bleeding, brutally beaten, with wounds and scars all over his little body.

The thing is, that I'm not the one telling those stories. Because I don't remember any of it.

It's other people, like the one that found me in the woods, or Mrs. Claire, that treated me in the hospital for nearly a month, or Alpha Cedric, who, strangely enough, was the only one I kinda felt safe with at the time, and was the only one I would really talk to.

Until now, all I knew about what happened to me, was told by other people.

I don't know when my memories started fading, and I don't know why or how, but I mostly just remember the times after I met Adrian and Levi.

"I just... it's really fucking scary," and of course, my voice cracks at the end. I press my fists into my eyes, again, in hope that I won't cry, again.

Ever since that damn dam broke when I saw my uncle, I can't seem to stop crying.

And for fuck's sake, why do I still think of him as my fucking uncle?

Ever since I saw the guy that abused me for years and years I can't seem to stop crying. It's so fucking annoying.

"I can only imagine what that feels like," Tristan whispers, and I just nod, because what else is there to do? It's not like I can change my fucking past or anything.

"I think you should just... try to let him in again. Cedric I mean," I tell him, trying to change the subject again, because I can feel my heart rate spiking and my skin crawling, and I'm sure as hell not in the mood for a fucking panic attack, "especially since he really seems to want you to."

"I know it's easier said than done, but..." I trail off, realizing something.

Do... do Adrian and Levi feel the same way Tristan does?

It's not the exact same situation, of course, it isn't, but... isn't it similar? Or are they Cedric in this situation, wanting me to let them in again? And I'm Tristan...

"I don't know if I want to... I just... always hurt the people closest to me," he confesses, his voice merely a quite whisper, and then I realize, yeah, I'm most definitely Tristan, because damn, those words hit a little too close to home.

"You didn't hurt me," I shot back almost immediately. He's the one good thing left in my life.

"I will," I immediately start shaking my head and want to protest, but he doesn't let me.

Something crosses his features and I pause, because the look on his face is one I haven't seen before.

"I'm sorry for what I'm gonna say," he tells me, and I'm so confused, because what the hell is he talking about?

"What are you on about?" I ask him, my heart now racing way too fast, my hands shaky.

"Ray. What you told me about... about what he did to you..."