DESIDERIUM

twenty

Adrian is out the door before Levi even finished his sentence which actually makes me laugh a little. A silence settles over us and I just stare off into space, my mind replaying the last 24 hours in my head.

"Rafael," Levi brings me back to reality out my name and when I look at him, he simply motions for me to sit down on the bed beside him.

After hesitating a little I do, facing him and watching him carefully.

The expression on his face makes it clear that something is bothering him and I let him take his time.

"I just-" he exhales shakily, uneasily and I almost reach for his hand, which lies a few inches away from mine, but I don't.

"I wish I could take everything back. I wish..." he trails off again, and I sigh, knowing that he's not good at expressing what he's feeling, my gaze flickering to the windows, into the deep forest outside.

"I think we all do..." I whisper, my gaze finding his again, "...wish for things to have gone differently, somehow."

A silence settles over us, but our eyes never waver from each other and when he reaches out to touch my cheek, I let him.

"You changed so much," he whispers, his voice soft, "so did Adrian and I, I suppose."

His fingers graze my chin softly, the movement bringing back the memory of the man in the woods. Those haunted eyes. I almost shudder, instead, I close my eyes for a second, wanting to just forget him.

The last two days were too much. I'm so tired.

I take Levi's hand away from my face, but don't let it go, instead softly intertwine my fingers with his, watching them. Somehow they fit together perfectly... somehow this seems like the only thing right now that makes just a little sense, even if it shouldn't. Even if it's the thing that hurts the most.

Maybe it's also the only thing that feels right. In some fucked-up way.

My wolf lets out a hum in agreement.

"If I could take away all the pain we caused you... I caused you, I would."

Stupidly enough, I believe him. I don't just believe him, I know he would.

"I was never a happy person, Levi," I whisper, and that's probably my only truth, "you just made life more bearable, brighter. But you're not responsible for my happiness, that was never your burden to carry."

"But I'm responsible for the pain. As if you didn't carry enough of that with you already," he whispers and his voice is hoarse, when I look up, a tear is rolling down his cheek and I immediately catch it with my thumb.

"We've already established this, Levi: no crying because of me."

"I'm not crying because of you, I'm crying for you, don't you see that?" he asks, his hand keeping mine on his cheek, leaning into it.

"You don't need to cry for me," I tell him, chuckling softly, a rather sad sound because of the ache in my chest.

When have things become so messy, so complicated?

I shake my head at my stupid question. They always have been.

"I do," he tells me, and the seriousness in his voice catches me by surprise but what surprises me, even more, is the closeness of our faces.

Fuck, when did that happen?

"Levi," I whisper, unsure why and he nods, his still teary eyes locking onto mine, encouraging me to continue. Continue with what, exactly?