DESIDERIUM

fifteen

I wish I could say I slept well, but I did not. I never did when people slept next to me, not even when it was Adrian or Levi and I guess that didn't change over time.

The presence of another person next to me just makes me restless, antsy, like I had to stay awake or something.

That's why I'm sitting at the kitchen table at 5:00 a.m., sleepy and still tired, not as well rested as I hoped I would be.

Because the moon goddess knows I needed that sleep.

I shake my head, trying to clear it from its weird and confusing thoughts. My minds not really processing things yet.

Not when the first thing I woke up to were my two soulmates and for a brief moment I forgot the last four years, thinking I was twelve again, that I simply fell asleep after Levi read something to me and Adrian, as he did so often.

Not when I realized that I was sleeping next to two people I once considered my world and now seem more like... strangers.

But that's not true, is it? They're still my Adrian and my Levi. Just... different.

"Oh, fuck," I groan, tucking at my hair, hoping for some clarity in my mind.

Some part of me never wants to forgive them for what they did to me, ever. But there's another, smaller but still very much present part of me that just wants to forget everything that happened and just be... happy with them.

Happy, I scoff, as if.

"Rafael?" mumbles a sleepy voice and I sit up straighter in my seat, not expecting one of them to actually wake up this early, and turn to look at Levi.

The sight of him makes my heart stumble a little in affection. Levi is rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, squinting while looking at me, hair all messy and unkempt.

"Yeah?" I croak, not sure where my voice went, and also not really able to look away from him.

A weird sort of deja-vu happens in my head and for a short moment, I see a small, maybe ten-year-old Levi standing in front of me, the same thing happening now as it always did back then. Me waking up way too early and Levi being the one to notice, coming to look for me.

"Come back to bed," he pleads, and I blink, then actually do look away from him, the gray cloud over my head getting darker with each passing moment.

"I can't-" fuck, how do I explain this? "-I don't think I can."

That sounds horrible. And stupid. For a few seconds, he doesn't say anything.

"Explain," he urges me to continue, actually coming to sit down next to me and focusing his attention on me, making me squirm.

For someone who's just woken up, he's really attentive.

"I don't know how to explain it," I whisper, unsure if I even want to talk about this already, and if I even want to talk about this to him.

Isn't he the reason for all this? He and Adrian?

"Try," Levi suggests, probably sensing my distress, giving me a kind, yet tired smile and I cann't help the frown that settles on my face.

"Did I wake you up?" I ask instead, feeling guilty.

He shakes his head, his smile turning into something softer, "your absence did."

I think the cloud just got a little lighter because of such simple words.

At the same time, my heart just got a little heavier. How can I make all this seem so simple when it's anything but?

God, all of this is so frustrating. It makes my head spin.

"Just talk," he encourages me, and so I take a deep breath and try to make just a little sense of my mind right now, but find I can't and so I just... talk. Like he asked me to.

"All this- this just seems like a dream to me... a good dream. And I'm just waiting for it to turn into a nightmare, Levi. I don't get how things can change so fucking fast. Two years ago my life turned upside down from one second to another and now it's happening again and I don't know what to make of it anymore!" my hands almost automatically find their into my hair again, pulling on it.

"I went from believing that you hate me, to thinking that maybe you don't hate me at all and me thinking that everything maybe could be alright but- but it's never gonna be alright, because I just, I know somethings gonna happen again. I'm gonna fuck everything up again because I'm such a stupid idiot and I don't deserve-"

"Rafael," Levi's voice is just a quiet whisper and I almost didn't hear him, but I did, and when i turn to look at him, my whole demeanor softens.

"Levi," I whisper back, looking at his painfilled eyes, not sure what to make out of his expression, not sure if those words that just left my mouth are the ones I actually wanted to say.

Before he can say anything, I try to justify myself, because I feel utterly exposed and stupid right now.

"I don't know if I make any sense. I can't put into words what I want to say. There's so much of it... but it's still... not enough."

"Rafael, can I hug you?"

I stare at him dumbfounded for way too long, so long that now Levi is the one squirming under my gaze and he tries to justify himself.

"I don't know how- how to comfort you with my words. I don't think I'll be able to express myself and-"

"Yes," I say before he starts rambling just like I did a few seconds ago.

"Yes?" he asks, with wide eyes, and I nod because I'm afraid my voice is gonna betray me.

He mirrors me, by nodding as well and when he stands up, I do the same, on shaky knees, with trembling fingers.

God, why do I make such a big deal out of a hug? Am I that touch starved? Well, I certainly can't remember the last time I've been hugged. Or touched in a way that didn't leave bruises on my skin.

I shudder at the thought. I don't want to think of my uncle, not now. Not ever.

The constant anxiety in the pit of my stomach because I'm afraid I'll accidentally run into him or his family is more than enough. It's a mystery to me how I've actually been able to avoid any of them.

My thoughts shut up abruptly when I feel Levi's arms snake around my middle, hesitantly, not really applying pressure, hanging around me rather loosely.

I let out a shaky breath, one I didn't know I was holding and put my arms around him as well, pulling him closer unknowingly.

"We'll work this out. We will," he reassures me and I can't help but believe his words, just like I did Adrians yesterday.

My wolf is basically purring inside my head, content with the comfort such a simple gesture as a hug brings.

At the same time tho, my mind is screaming at me, telling me to get away from him, telling me that he's the one that abandoned me and hurt me and sent me away and-

I close my eyes tightly, putting my head in the crook of his neck, trying to just enjoy this while it lasts because if someone's good at ruining things than it's me.

I ruin things.