DESIDERIUM

seventeen

I've never liked being in the pack hospital. Even if I was a frequent visitor when I was still young, I never got used to it.

Now sitting there, waiting for some news from the doctors on my mates condition seems ten times worse.

Tristan tries to calm me down, by putting his hand on my shoulder and talking to me but I don't hear him, his touch just feels like him burning me and I stand up abruptly, pacing around the corridor of the small corridor.

Six wolfs are injured. Three young warriors that haven't even lived half their life yet and two of them a mother and a father with children and mates and... and my mate.

I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to vomit but I swallow it down, press my fingernails hard into my palm instead, making it hurt.

Fuck this shit.

I need to see him. I need to see Levi and see if he's okay or I'm going to go insane.

"Rafael," Tristan sighs, motioning for me to sit down but I just shake my head.

The relief I had when I discovered that Tristan wasn't hit was big, it really was, but that doesn't change the fact that five other wolfs have been injured.

And I have this horrible feeling that this all is my fault.

"I'm going to see him," I mutter to myself, walking away from Tristan into the direction I know his room is at, ignoring Tristan calling my name.

I don't knock, I just bark into the room I can smell both my mates the strongest and the sight makes my heart stumble, break a little in the process and a shuddering breath leaves my lips.

My wolf whimpers in my head, not liking seeing his mate in such a state. A state he could've prevented, according to him.

I don't even scold him for thinking like that because I feel the same way. If I would've smelled the hunters in the trees, the poison they used on me... I could've prevented this.

"Adrian," I whisper, taking a few hesitant steps towards the bed Levi's laying in, still unconscious.

Adrian doesn't even react, he just keeps his head lying on their intertwined hands, his lips softly kissing Levi's knuckles as if to make sure he's still here, still breathing and my heart clenches.

He wouldn't do that if it were me. None of them would.

I shake my head at my intrusive thoughts. This isn't about me.

"I'm so sorry, Adrian," I try again, mustering up all the courage that is left in me to put my hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

The second my hand meets his shoulder, he tenses up, shaking my hand off by standing up and taking a few steps away from me but not without still touching Levi, this time, his hand lays on his shoulder.

"It feels like this is my fault," I state, confused by his sudden reaction. I don't try to get closer to him or to Levi, instead, watch him and his tense form.

"Maybe it is," he murmurs after a tense silence, his eyes leaving mine and settling on Levi's sleeping form.

At his words I freeze, my wide eyes searching for his but he doesn't look up, just keeps staring at his soulmate laying there. At our soulmate.

"What?" my voice is hoarse and almost breaks.

"Maybe it was your fault," his voice, on the other hand, sounds more secure with every word he speaks, "maybe if you hadn't gotten shot you would've never had to come back and wouldn't have caused as many problems as you did. Maybe I would've actually been able to think and worry about anything but you and notice when something is clearly happening just outside my pack borders."

This time I flinch away from him, my heart suddenly beats much too fast and I open my mouth to say something, I don't even know what, but he keeps talking as if he can't stop now that he started.

"Because of you, I neglected my duty of being an Alpha of a pack with over 300 pack members. Because of you, I failed them as their Alpha and because of you my mate is laying in a hospital bed, injured and lucky to even be alive!" his voice booms, making me feel smaller and smaller with each word until I'm basically covering away from him, my hands shaking, my thoughts a mess.

That's probably why I didn't even notice the door opening and Alpha Cedric standing there. Hearing everything.

"That's enough, son," Alpha Cedrics steady voice fills the room, his gaze fixed on his son, who breathes in and out through his nose harshly, making him seem even angrier.

My body feels numb, if my hands weren't shaking I would think I had just frozen, unable to move.

Why does this feel so much like the day I almost killed my Uncle?

"I'm sorry," for a second I don't even recognize my own voice.

"I'm sorry," I repeat, this time looking Adrian in the eyes while saying it. 

Then it's as if my body is moving on its own accord and I start leaving the room, not once looking back and I'm out of the room and in the hallway in mere seconds.

I don't register Alpha Cedric shouting at his son, don't hear Adrian calling my name weakly, don't notice Tristan standing up from the stool and walking up to me, asking me what's wrong.

I walk out the hospital doors and shift into my wolf mechanically, letting my wolf take the lead. 

In return, I completely shut off and the old familiar feeling of numbness sets in. My mind, my body. Everything just feels numb.

I don't even feel anger for myself when I realize that I'm the one running off again. 

But staying in that hospital room with one of my mates unconscious and the other angry at my mere existence? Not a chance.