DESIDERIUM

twenty nine

When I open the door of my mates small house I don't expect a body to literally collide with mine, making me stumble back if it weren't for the hand on my back steadying almost as soon as Levi throws himself onto me.

"Oh jesus christ," I exclaim surprised, a little embarrassed afterwards because of the irony of the human words.

"You came back!"

The way Levi says that, it almost seems like I wouldn't have, "yeah? Where would I be?"

Adrian hands on my back doesn't move an inch, not even after Levi looses his hold on me, but he doesn't let go entirely either.

"I mean, it's just, uh..." Levi looks helplessly at Adrian standing beside me but said person just looks at me, as if looking for something.

"No one could've blamed you if you didn't come back," he concludes after a few moments, and my eyebrows furrow when his words register.

"You thought I'd run away?" even saying those words out loud they sound ridiculous. But not to them, because Levi winces while nodding and even Adrians face twitches a little at the possibility.

"I'm mated to complete idiots," I murmur to myself, detangling Levi from me, and stepping away from Adrian, my skin already feeling uncomfortable with being touched so much.

I'm touch depraved, but I can't stand when people touch me for too long. Make it make sense.

"I'm just glad you're back," Adrian mumbles, and suddenly I remember Tristans story from the other day and I slowly realize why they're worried.

Even if they were small children, the disappearance of Adrians aunt has had it's impact on them, mostly on Adrians family.

"I don't think... I wouldn't just leave like that," I sigh, not sure if I really even mean what I'm saying, but I don't want them to worry about something like that.

"As he said: no one would blame you," Levi mumbles a bit sheepishly, and I just stare at them, at the dark circles under their eyes and their disheveled hair, that I can see even tho it's dark out still.

"Let's just go to sleep?" I suggest, the sleepiness slowly getting to me now. My wolf whines in agreement, even if he still sounds agitated from the revelation only some time ago.

Adam.

As his name comes to my mine again, I flinch, and I'm sure Adrian and Levi notice, but all they do is nod, and I give them a small, tired half-smile before walking up to my room.

They don't ask if they can sleep in my room again, and I'm glad, because I don't think todays gonna be a restful night.

*

I was right when I assumed that my sleep would be anything but restful.

Those same dark eyes were there, but now they seemed younger, filled with something other than hatred and violence, filled with something warm, something close to adoration and... love.

At some point it is wasn't just dreams anymore but memories. Memories of him. Of Adam. Of the time I was held hostage.

By the first time I awoke from my dreams, I was almost afraid to fall back asleep, which never really happened to me before.

Sleep was my only escape from reality, but now my dreams just seem to haunt me.

"Fuck," I whisper, by the time I woke up for the sixth time, all sweaty and restless, my mind a mess from all the pictures in my head.

There was... was a blonde woman. Green eyes. I'm sure of it.

Was my mother blonde? Did she have hazel eyes? But I know the answer to that already, because my own are almost identical from the ones that just appeared to me in my dream.

This was probably one of the first dreams I ever had of her. My mother.

"Fuck," I whisper again, my eyes suddenly stinging and I press my fists into my eyes.

This is probably the first time I remembered her consciously. And of course it had to be at the time we were both behind cages. Her teary eyes seem to be have burned their way into my head and I can't shake the image of her in front of me, trying to give me a smile, even tho there's so much pain in her eyes, away.

Of course I want to remember her, just not like that. Not like the woman that has been imprisoned by hunters, tortured by them. I want to remember her as my mother.

That realization hurts more than it should, and I have to bite down hard on my lip, so that no sound escapes them.

And then there's Adam. A name to the face that's been haunting my dreams. But now he's not haunting them anymore, he's just... there. Always there.

Yesterday, when I said his name, it's like I flipped a switch inside of him. None of that darkness that had been around him seemed to be there anymore.

And then he left with an almost inaudible, "I'll see you soon, little wolf."

If I thought my life was a mess before, now it's just a complete fucking disaster.

There's a knock on my door, and when Tristans voice asks if he can come in, I'm relieved, because being with my own thoughts doesn't seem like the best idea lately.

"Morning," he grumbles, clearly not in the best mood either, he just flops down on the armchair that he's been occupying the last few days, and for a second it seems like he never even left in the first place.

I sure wish I didn't.

"How are you?" he asks, after we just sit in silence a little.

"Fine, you?"

"Fine."

When our eyes meet, both of us start laughing.

"So we're both just lying to each other, huh?" his words make me laugh a little more, and I'm sure Levi and Adrian must think we're crazy.

What's there to laugh about?

"Cedric tried to talk to me again," he sighs, after we've calmed down a little, and I nod, urging him to continue.

He just shrugs, looking as lost as he probably feels, "I kinda panicked. Of course I miss him, he's the only person that ever really accepted me for who I am... but every time I look at him, I see him lying in the hospital bed after I put him in a... in a fucking coma."

He stops there, and we just look at each other, not saying anything, because he knows that I'm possibly one of the only people that could understand what he's feeling.

"I just miss our life in the hut."

His words somehow warm my heart, but at the same time pierce right through it.

"Yeah, I miss it too. It was easier," it wasn't easy, but easier. Tristan nods, looking out the window, and I do too, still shaken up about all the events happening last night.

Adam.

Adam, Adam, Adam.

I remember glimpses of him, of us, but I don't remember everything. I don't remember how we parted ways, I don't remember how we met, I don't remember what relation with had to one another.

I wish I did. Solely because of the warm feeling I get, every time I see his face, think his name.

That's a good sign, right?

But what happened to him... why would he shot me? My mate? Other werewolves. If my memories are correct, he was the one helping me while I was being held captive. He was helping me, a werewolf, and now he's hurting those same beings?

What happened all those years we've been parted?

I don't notice Tristan staring at me, studying my frown with one of his own. After some time, he finally decides to speak up.

"Something's up, Rafael, something besides the... usual," I almost snort at the fact that he can tell something beside the usual is bothering me, "you don't have to, but you know you can talk to me."

I know I can. He's the only one I actually can to talk to. But do I want to? About something that I have no clue about either?

kinda lame, sorry. we're almost at 200k reads, I'm honestly speechless.