RUTHLESS

13

January 25, 2011

Sittin in the office, countin money as usually for Antonio, I started to miss Messiah. He was getting bigger by the day and I put him in daycare so when I'm busy durin the day he has somewhere to go.

Checkin off on the date for the counts, I realized it's been one year. One whole year had gone by since that Fuckin day happened.

"What's wrong?" Antonio came in with someone else, I think his name was Dimitri. I usually see him with Antonio all the time.

"Nothin."

"We still comin up short?" I nodded, lookin at the big ass difference in counts this time.

"It's with the same person too. I been countin it up, and he done stole a good 5gs from you." I handed Antonio the books.

I don't know who this person is but he been movin money recklessly. This ain't how you steal, effectively, and get away with it.

"Go down stairs to the basement, imma need you there when we bring him in."

Puttin all the money in the safe, I went down to the basement and waited. It was hot as hell down here and there was a freezer too, I think.

"Watch out." I heard Antonio. Going to the corner, I watched as they put him in the chair. He looked a bit beat up, I couldn't see his face clearly.

"You been stealin from me H." Antonio paced the floor.

"No." Lookin up, his voice sounded familiar? Like I heard it somewhere before?

"You lyin to my face too." Antonio chuckled.

"I ain't steal from you A." Walkin up towards them, I stood near Antonio and my heart began to race.

"You been comin up short for a few months now H. I ain't suspected you till I seen somethin." He looked at me.

"You good?" He asked, I ushered for him to move. Looking at H, Really lookin at him, those memories of being pinned down just came back. And he did nothin but smile. He recognized me. No, he knew exactly who I was.

Runnin upstairs, I went to the office grabbed the gun Antonio kept in the safe and went back downstairs and shot him till there was no bullets left.

{}

"You wanna talk bout what happened?" Me and Antonio were sittin outside, I kept replaying the shit that happened in my head. I killed him. I did it. I really killed him.

"Before I got here, I was at st. Jude's. Before that though, I was in the hospital for a bit. I got raped real bad. It's been a whole year since the shit happened." We sat there in silence, he was takin it in I guess.

"I swore that when I saw that Nigga again, I'd kill him. I'd kill him." I don't know what happened but I just bust out crying.

"You did good kid. You did good." I did it. I killed him. I did it. I finally did it.

"He's dead right? I killed him?" I looked up at Antonio, eyes blurry and nose stuffy.

"Don't worry bout that right now. Worry bout yo self and yo son that's upstairs." He wasn't dead? I didn't kill him?

"He still alive?" He didn't say anything.

"Imma handle it aight."

"No. Let me do it. I have to." I have to do this.

"Lisa. Once you do this, ain't no goin back. It can tear you up and spit you out;  it can change you."

"Antonio. This man took something from me. He took my childhood, my innocence. He took everything from me. I can't get any of it back. But I can get revenge. That's what I'm gone get when I kill him. Not nobody else. Me."

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Going downstairs, I saw this bloodied up man that I thought was dead. Sittin in front of him, my body started shaking. Those things he did to me, to my body; I felt like a rabbit about be to devoured by a wolf.

"You gone stand there scared all day." He laughed, coughing up blood.

It looked like they fixed him up after I shot him. Didn't want him dead just yet.

"Don't listen to him."

"You got anger and hurt. Let it out." He grabbed my hands and put my fist in a ball.

Closing my eyes, I remembered all the shit he did to me and started punching him in the face until my fist started to go numb. I didn't wanna stop. I didn't want to take a break. I wanted him to feel all the pain I felt that day. I wanted him to suffer. I needed him to feel how I felt. He needs to pay for what he did.

"Get up." I grabbed some cold water, dumpin it on him.

Seeing his eyes was what made me more angrier. The way he would look at me when he was at the house while my momma was asleep or in the otha room. The day he raped me he did nothin but made me look at him. He forced me to look at nothing but him.

"You raped me today. It's been a year since that day. Remember what you said to me when you forced me to look at you - 'You might as well stop fightin cuss I'm big and you small.' - you said that right after you cut me up with your switch blade and chocked me till I couldn't breath."

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Starin at the mess I created, I felt so fucking good. He was barely alive and everything I felt durin those hours of agony, I'm glad he felt it. I know I'll never get shit back from this man but this is the closest I'll get. And it feels Fuckin good.

Loadin up the gun with 1 bullet I walked over to him and aimed it at his head.

"You raped me. You cut me up with a switch blade. Left me for dead. But you gave me my son." He stared at me and for the first time since I've been doin here, I stared back. Tears coming down my face. Messiah had his eyes.

"You raped me and gave me a kid. He's bout to be 5 months old. I love him so much cuss out of all the shit that happened he's the one good thing that came out of it." I wiped my face, chest heavin a bit cuss I felt relieved to get everything off my chest.

Breathin in and out, I felt all the anger and fear and guilt that I had to deal with, slowly wash over me. It wasn't  100% peace and forgiveness, it was more relief and less anxiety.

Cockin the gun, I pressed the gun to his head and stared at him. Knowing that whatever power he had before was gone. I had the power now.