Colliding Again

I've come to a conclusion.....

You sometimes wonder, is life beautiful or just a beautifully fully dressed lie?

For the child you, it was beautiful, you had no worries, I loved my own little world full of aliens and supernatural beings. Me as a child was convinced that I loved everything.

For teenager me, I hated everything. My mom yelling at me for not studying, tons of homework by my teachers, my alarm clock and many more things that held significant role in my life which my teenager self never wanted to understand.

For adult me, freedom came with a cost called responsibilities. I get more hurt than anything and loved the moment I live in. I wondered whether to live life fully or just leave it behind.

Older state, I still didn't reach to it but gazing distantly at the very old lady sitting on bench with her smile closed eyes, she looked.... So on peace when everything revolving her shouting around, some were in pain, sadness, angry, in grief and in happiness.

I had a very strong urge to ask her how she is feeling sitting under the tree even its raining heavily.

But no, I never asked.

One need to go through every state.

Is life beautiful or a beautifully dressed lie?

Yes, it depends on the way each individual looked at life.

Just like how child me loved everything because she was innocent and oblivious and for teenage me hated everything because I started to know how things really works.

But for the old lady, she is full of every state. She had enough to a certain extent. She don't wish to feel more happy, she don't wish to feel more sad, she don't wish to feel more angry, she don't wish to feel more pain.

Now when she is on verge of dying, she had no fear. Why? Because she completed a longe phrase, life.

In the end, life is neither beautiful not a beautifully dressed lie.

It's a rollercoaster just in different perspective for anyone. Who does not have fear of riding, it rides it bravely but we will talk about average ones.

On easy level, you feel happy, on middle level you feel angry, on high level you feel fear.

And when the rollercoaster came to its end, you feel peace. An unusual peace and solitude.

Even you gone through anxiety, fear, happiness on the ride, it was still wonderful. This thought always come in your mind.

It was still fun and never regret i-

"Bullshit, this is bullshit. Life is traumatic or even better,depressing" I thought calming and inspiring documentary would help to calm my raging excuse of a mind but I ended up shutting TV cursing it's way of seeing things.

Life is fun. What bullshit is this?

I stepped out from my room. Yes, I'm in mom's home after that hell of a honeymoon. Fuck! I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm making myself a very damn bitter coffee from these past days .

Eye bags, very rugged my favorite oversized T shirt and loose mid thigh shorts I mean they don't even reach mid thigh. A very messy bun is just cherry on top. Note the sarcasm.

Now don't wonder what the hell am I doing in my mom's house. As I said, I don't wanna talk about this.

(Nobody asked bitch *eye roll*)

What the shitty coffee I made?. I threw the cup in sink and surprisingly it didn't break.

I squirmed again walking to my room snuggle in blanket drowning myself in depressing life I'm going through.