Not Mine •||JJK||•

19

Day:7

The last day of my first realtionship or maybe last. I don't know if I would be able to give myself to someone else. I don't know if I would be able to trust someone else.

I asked Jungkook to come with at a park. We both were strolling, walking in silence no one wanted to break that.

"Thank you" I mumbled loud and for him to hear.

"For?"

"Giving me chance to date you."

The man beside me just looked at me with a curious, questionable eyes.

"The past month was the best month in my life . Thank you , thank you so much for coming in my life and giving me chance make you mine.…"

I stopped walking taking his hands in mine still not having courage to look straight into his eyes."…I know I forced you into this.... irritated you when you needed peace…"

I gulp the lump forming in my throat he was still sliently hearing"…I know you didn't like my presence still you never treated me wrong"

I smiled remembering every moment when he gave me cold shoulder but never even once disrespected me. The drunk one was all different scene.

I bit my lips trying to gulp back the tears.

"Wh-what are you trying to say?" He spoke for the first time on the day.

"30 days are over Jungkook..... I couldn't make you fall in love for me.....and eventually according to my promise I won't show you face ever again. I won't bother you nor__"

"So you want end all this?" His voice was calm slightly pained which I sensed.

"We had a deal" I looked away.

"Eun.... I-i...... can't we stay friends?" Desperation was clear in his tone he shook his hands while mine was still in his hold.

I shook my head before talking "That's not fair Jungkook.....you know about my feelings. And by lots and lots of efforts I have started valuing my emotions.....I-i don't see you as a friend not yet and I don't know that even in the future I'll be able to.....it will hurt me knowing you won't feel the same I do..... it will hurt t-to know that.....you can't be mine..... even when you're in front of me!"

There I said it. No lies , no round conversation just trust staright forward truth.

"And what if I tell you that I started to feel same!!....what if I tell you__"

"That's pity Jungkook!! Not love!" I exclaimed. No I don't want his pity. I don't want to be pathetic, tying him in a relationship where he feel forced. I was naive to think like that earlier but not now.

Earlier I didn't know how to respect my own self and feelings. But when now when I learnt all this I don't want him to see me as a pathetic girl who get beaten up by her parents and want shelter in his arms.

Yes..... letting him go is hard but staying with him knowing that it's a pity is more hard.Yes I wanted his shelter but only when he is willing to give it on his own not when his morals say to not to leave a helpless person.

"I can feel the pity in your eyes when you look at me ...... I feel the sympathy look you give whenever I start getting vulnerable in front of you!....I don't want that .....please understand"

Tears were now sliping from my eyes. But what I didn't notice was his eyes. They brimmed with fresh tears.

"You didn't see anything else in my eyes?" Oh so calmly his voice reached my ears. Soothing as always. I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. Yes I did feel something else sometimes but always denied it calling it my own thoughts or things just in my minds. Always feeling that I don't deserve him. How can he even love me?

"Answer me Eun.... didn't you see something else!?" His voice rose slightly.

"I-i don't know " my voice cracked a bit. I was controlling my sobs.

He nodded his head sliping his palms away from my hold. It was all slow motion the way his hands got detached from mine the warmth got away. My heart filled with uneasiness screaming to me that I did something wrong but I was oblivion to point it out.

"Fine..... that's it then right?" Bitterness lashed in his tone. I nodded in response.

He chuckled bitterly "Go Kang Eun....you have always done what you wanted...you  wanted to date me you did and now you want to end this you did!....now go....go away!!"

His voice cracked a bit. His harsh words didn't affect more than his voice. For the first time in today I looked up in his eyes.

They were filled with tears. I wanted to hug him. But I knew I don't have any right for that.

"I'm sorry" I whispered not caring of he heard or not as I ran away from there leaving him alone.

I ran untill my feet started hurting. I was crying ugly. If any people saw me they'll just think I'm crazy. But I didn't care.

Only one thing running my mind. I hurt him. I someone who I love. How can I? Was there difference between me and my parents?

They used me as their stress reliever and I used Jungkook as mine. They forced me in different way and I did that too.

I slouched down at the ground didn't know anything about my surroundings. I was crying and crying didn't know for how many hours.

It started getting dark. Finally when my eyes got dry I tried to stand up supported my body with the wall behind me.

I didn't know where to go. I can't go back to my parents. I don't even have any friends.

I remember So-mi giving her number to me on my birthday. We did have a talk after that day. A lot infact. I didn't know what else to do.

So I called her. Asking her if I can stay at hers for a night. I can't go home back. No I can't face Jungkook.

She gladly accepted my offer which didn't gave me much shock beacause as much as I know she was sweet girl.

She didn't question much when i entered her home. Hoseok was not there at a moment.

She gave me a warm hug that i didn't know I needing much.

I was numb to even feel something.

" Go and rest everything will be fine hmm...!"  She softly said. I realised that hobi have probably went to Jungkook.

My head was hurting due to crying so much so I didn't quite think much and went to bed.

I don't know what tommorow holds. But  I know it won't be better because

You won't be there with me.