to all the people i've loved before | Ninjago Bruise

10 - crush

Nothing in this world could prepare me for this conversation. I know I've walked myself into this, I've dug my own hole and now I'm trapped, but some part of me wishes I could disappear and never have to live it. I only have myself to blame.

"So.. I heard your.. uh.. argument with Cole in the kitchen," she says, sitting down on the bed beside me.

I still can't look up at her. Knowing that she heard everything just makes this ten times worse. For all she knows, I'm dating Cole and we're happy in our relationship, so why would I be upset about him trying to get involved in my business with Nya? Why would I even be interested in her? 

Man I've really fucked this up.

"Brilliant," I mumble.

"I'm just.. confused I guess," She continues, "I thought you and Cole were dating?"

"Mmm."

"So why are you bothered about him trying to set us up? Like I would get it if you were upset because you're together but-"

"Because we're faking it."

I'm so tired of lying. I'm tired of this fake relationship shit. I'm tired of being confused and hurt by the tiniest things. I'm tired of pretending I didn't like being in a fake couple. 

I'm tried of everything.

I don't know why I thought I could fake something to make someone else jealous. I should've listened to my gut feeling when it said it was a wrong thing to do because now I've ended up here in this stupid position. I can't take back anything I did or said to either Nya or Cole and now I've ruined everything that was good. 

I ruin everything.

"What?" Nya questions, "What do you mean?"

"After you wanted to talk about the stupid letter, Cole had an idea about fake dating to make you jealous so you wouldn't hate me or whatever. It was a horrible idea and it was selfish. I'm sorry," I explain, my head still in my pillow.

That was the shittest apology I have ever given but at this point I don't think Nya could hate me any more than she already does. 

"To... make me jealous?" She frowns, "Why?"

"Because after you read the letter, which may I just add wasn't supposed to be sent nor shown to anyone, I knew you'd give me some angry talk about how selfish and gross and creepy and weird I am and how you never want to speak to me again and how I need to move on and-" 

"Hang on.." Nya cuts in, "the letter wasn't supposed to be sent?"

"No," I raise my head from the pillow briefly, " If I'm being completely honest, I wrote five letters, all at different points in time. They're to people who I've had crushes on or whatever and I write them as almost like a diary, to just get stuff off my chest. At the time I thought it was cute but just grew up realising they were creepy and obsessive. Cole was gonna help me get rid of them but I put them in the stupid charity box and they got sent. I can't remember what yours says exactly but whatever it was... I'm really sorry. I wrote it a while ago."

Nya goes completely silent for a minute. I don't know what she's thinking but I can just assume she only hates me more now. If I were her I'd get up and walk out. I would never speak to me again. 

What kind of person writes a creepy love letter to their crush who is so painfully obvious they don't like you and then fake a relationship with their ex-crush to try and make them jealous? A crazy person.

Am I crazy?

"So let me get this straight... you thought I was mad at you about the letter you wrote ages ago so you faked a relationship with Cole to make me jealous of...? You?" She questions.