to all the people i've loved before | Ninjago Bruise

22 - messy

It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing as hell.

I had my doubts about the letter and how bad it would be but I really didn't expect it to be like that. Honestly, I'm most likely being more dramatic than needed but my wording and grammar is just so horrendous, I don't know how Mateo genuinely believed it was from me.

How am I supposed to go back downstairs and face him now?

I sigh, folding the letter back up and placing it down beside me on the chaise lounge. My life was going great until this letter came and ruined it. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that Mateo and I are friends again but I really wish those letters hadn't been sent. Everything's been nothing but fucked up since.

Just think of all the things that wouldn't have happened.

Nya wouldn't be mad at me. This whole stuff with Mateo wouldn't be confusing me. There'd be no stupid drama and rumours. I might actually have felt good about myself.

Cole and I would've found each other another way. I know we would've.

If only I could go back in time.

"Jay?"

Startled slightly, I turn to see my grandpa staring at me with wide eyes. I raise a hand to my chest, where I think my heart is and smile.

"You scared me."

"What's wrong with you?" he questions.

I really do love grandpa but I wish he'd phrase things a little nicer sometimes. The amount of times I've had to apologise to people because of his mistaken tone is ridiculous. I know he doesn't mean it, and it can be funny from time to time, but it's very unhelpful with people that don't know him.

I shrug, "Nothing, don't worry about it."

"Ridiculous," he spits.

I chuckle to myself a little, staring at the floor and my feet below me.

Considering the main reason I wanted to volunteer here at the care home was because I wanted to spend more time with my grandfather, I haven't spent much time with him whatsoever. I always seem to be busy with something stupid or pointless and he just doesn't seem to be around. It's nice hearing his voice for once. It's sort of relieving.

"What is it?" he asks again.

I smile at him weakly, "Honestly, grandpa, it's nothing for you to worry about."

We stare at each other for a minute. He tries to pick out what's wrong but he struggles, eventually rolling his eyes and turning to leave. I look back down, closing my eyes briefly and sighing.

Maybe speaking to him about it wouldn't be such a bad idea. He's usually a pretty understanding person, and besides, he's the only person I can really talk to. It would feel too awkward talking about it with Cole.

"Grandpa?"

He turns on his heel, eyes wide once again, "Hm?"

"Can I talk to you about something?" I ask.

He stays there, searching my eyes, before smiling and nodding. I pat the spot on the chaise lounge next to me, keeping my eyes firmly on the ground. He stumbles over, gently sitting down with a little struggle.

I take a deep breath, "What do you think about love letters?"

He laughs, "Pfft, what a load of rubbish! Soppy romantic stuff is pointless and-"

I clear my throat, "Grandpa.."

He stops, staring at me blankly, "What? You asked for my opinion."

"I did something," I tell him, "Something stupid. But it was years ago and now I'm suffering for past-me's mistakes."