to all the people i've loved before | Ninjago Bruise

12 - crisis

I didn't manage to sleep much last night. I've mostly been up overthinking everything I was so sure about. I still don't know what to do about Nya and I'm still slightly confused about my feelings towards Cole but me trying to make sense of it all has just made me feel worse.

I don't want to hurt anyone. It would feel wrong to turn Nya down after everything I'd done to get her back but I'm almost certain that I just don't like her like that anymore. Maybe I'm just more attracted to the thought of Nya liking me than us actually being in a relationship. But when I think about Cole, my stomach just turns into knots and I feel all giddy and happy when I think about the possibilities of us officially being a couple. We're already so close and if us really dating would be anything like the fake relationship then it might be like a dream. I would forever be happy. I could never feel that with Nya.

If anything has made sense to me in these last 12 hours, it's been that I want to be with Cole. I like him so much that it hurts. But it's one thing to like him and want to be with him properly and another for him to like me back. I'm still not 100% sure but I have a feeling he might. The way he spoke to me last night about how I deserve better than her, about how amazing I am - yeah it may have just been best friend advice - but I just had that feeling, y'know? Plus, he was ignoring my messages all throughout yesterday but decided to pick up the phone? I'm not sure. I should've asked why he didn't respond to anything but it wasn't really important at the time.

I've been thinking about what he said. I know I deserve better. I guess I have that fear of what happened last time happening again but the fear of messing up and upsetting someone is so overpowering. I care too much about other people's feelings that it's probably unhealthy. But if Cole really does like me back then I'd only be hurting him too.

I can't win.

It's almost 9am so I really have to think of what I'm going to do and fast. Nya will be wondering where I am and she'll probably start to catch on that I'm avoiding her soon. I can't just hide in here forever.

I was set on knowing what to do last night so I should just go with that choice and not overthink it. If I keep overthinking all of this shit then I'll just end up feeling worse and I'll be stuck here drowning in my own thoughts.

I've always used the power of positive thinking, just like my parents had taught me, but right now I just don't have the energy for it. I'm so tired and exhausted and I just feel so... I don't know... alone? I never realised I felt it before Cole and I started fake dating but it's just so painfully obvious now. I'm tired of feeling like crap.

Everything is so confusing.

It's just gone 9am now so I should most likely go and find Nya to get this over and done with. I know that sounds horrible but my anxious evil twin is starting to take over.

I drag myself out of bed, get dressed into my ninja gi - just in case there's any emergency missions, you've always gotta be prepared - and check myself out in the mirror. There's huge bags under my eyes, my eyes look red and puffy; it's almost like I haven't slept in weeks. The past few nights have been rough, I know, but why is my body making me look like I've been hit by a truck? Or do I always look like this?

I don't tend to check myself out in the mirror anymore. The only reason I have that stupid mirror in here is to make sure my hair isn't a mess, which it is a little today but I'm not too bothered by it. I'm likely just gonna come back in here and lay on the bed no matter what happens with Nya.

I take a deep breath, put on a fake smile and exit the room, hoping to bump into someone who could distract me from the thoughts swirling in my mind. They aren't necessarily bad thoughts but more confusing overthinking ones. Just normal.