Without Him

XXXVIII

A week. A week since everything went down. A week that I found out that I'm pregnant. I'm fucking pregnant with Kyles child yet where the fuck is he might you ask? Well he walked out of this relationship. For what? Cause he thought this was his doing.

I go for a checkup in a week, earliest they could get me. Funny!

Kyle is bout a dumb ass person for doing this shit. He's a coward who couldn't face anything.

When Tori found out everything that happened between us.. let's just say she raised hell to him.

She heard he was in Conyers, so she went and raised hell. I can always count on her to stick up for me.

The pain I felt was something I never felt before. Hell it didn't even come close to what happened with Justin.

Kyle was my whole world. And the fact I'm pregnant without his knowledge is crazy.

No one knows except for Tori, she's been with me every since. Kyle broke my heart, all I feel now is pain and pure hatred towards him.

So the real question was did he play in my face for a year telling me all this shit for to break my heart in the end?

Did he do this on purpose? Was it a goal to get me to fall in love with him then having him ruin me.

All these questions with no answers. Funny how life works out.

I'm a pregnant 24 year old with the baby daddy out my life possibly for good. Going to raise this child on my own. Wow! I never envisioned this ever happening.

Of course I'm not over what Kyle did to me, how could I?

I will never love another man again.
________________

"What you did was fucked up? Really Kyle Xavier? I fucking raised you better than this and you go do some stupid shit. Are you out of your mind." My mom for the past hour has been nagging the shit out of me.

Obviously she figured out something was wrong once I went back home and without Athena.

After I left I couldn't be in Atlanta anymore. Of course her friend found me and was down my throat. Saying how I ruined her friends life and everything in between.

"Mom, stop! I get it, okay I left her for a stupid reason. Imma a dumbass I know." I say this. Like I know what I did was fucked up. I get it. I messed up big time.

Everyone sees how miserable I am without the one woman who made my whole world light up. She was the only one who made an impact in my life and I just gave it up, just like that. I didn't even look back once. What a fucking idiot I am.

"No you don't get it, you're treating this like some nonchalant ass, but son I know you better than you know yourself. This is killing you, but you're so set and stoned on this that you won't let yourself see any other options. Imagine how she's feeling? How she's processing this. Y'all loved each other but I can't understand why you let that go?"

She's right! This is killing me. Being away from her, not having her in my arms kissing and making love to her. I miss the fucking energy she brought. Athena lit up my world.

"Because mom, everything that happened between us is my fault. My fault for driving her bad so she went and kissed someone else. My fault for ignoring her all that time. My fault for everything that has happened. Mom you don't understand that I fucking love her that it hurts. I can't do this again. I can't put her in danger anymore, everything that happens in my presence is something bad and we all know it." I rant and thank god I can talk to her about this.

This has been eating me up inside but like the person I am I act like nothing is bothering me. Like I'm not dying inside.

God, all I want to do is kiss her, touch her. Just see her again. But I can't. And won't.

I gave up, after everything I said, I left like a mother fucking coward.

"It's not your fault Kyle and you have to learn that. You had no idea any of that was going to happen. Yes, you are level headed and make calls based on how you feel but that doesn't matter. But Kyle remember that this is going to be the biggest mistake of your life cause I really loved that woman." And with that she left the room.

Maybe I am such a idiot for doing this. Maybe I'm not. Yes, I made a snap judgement. I didn't think of the consequences and now I'm living with them possibly for the rest of my life.

Y'all wouldn't think it but Athena meant everything to me, she still does.

Athena Desire McCoy was the light to my darkness.

She lit the fire and I put it out.

I ruined and broke her. After everything she told me I did the exact same thing but with a twist.

Everyone hates me for it. The family loved Athena especially mom and Becca. Gillian loves her like a big brother. Everyone did. She was a ray of sunshine that I messed up.

Athena deserves someone who isn't a fuck up like me. She needs someone who will keep her grounded. Someone who knows how to give her exactly what she needs. I do hope the best for her, keeps her passion for photography. It's good for her.

We was the powerful couple for sometime but things didn't work out.

Speaking of if the media gets a hold of this information then it's a day I will die. Or bribing them so they don't release it. Whatever it takes.

I fell in love and broke her. Broke myself. I will never be the same.

I guess people say whatever happens, happens for a reason but what if that reason ends up being the cause of something. I'm turning myself into a cold emotionless person for my doing.

Life won't be the same!